Endless Fairytale Dream.

2010-12-02T20:01:00.002+08:00

Can't afford to be weak now. Can't afford to be pessimistic now. Can't afford to worry about whatever that has not happened.

"I have so much things to say to you, but then it seems that it might be destined to be only said in my dreams. Never knew being just friends is so hard."

2010-11-23T20:08:00.002+08:00

Hi there Big Man.

I guess today was supposed to be a good day for myself, but somehow as the hours turn late my mood has been getting more and more irritated and worse.

To tell you the truth all this started because I wanted to leave Insworld.

Not that I hated it there mind you. I like the learning environment there, especially now with all the O-Level ruffians gone for good. I have friends there, and I do have good teachers there too.

However I cannot be blamed of getting"homesick" once in a while, and recently this has been getting worse for me.

I cannot shake the fact that my parents used my university savings to fund my A-Level pursuit here.

The A-level certificate costs even more than my future degree itself!

Seriously!

Even if I were to really believe my parents' repeated assurances that they can resave the money again in the next three years( one year next year and two in the army), I would always feel very bad that all my past experiences have done is to lead them to break the piggy bank in such a spectacular manner.

I can never repay them.

Ever.

Period.

Which is one of the reasons why I want out of Insworld. Because I cannot bear the guilt of the suffering and worries I have brought my parents with such an exorbitant course.

Another reason why I want out, is that I am simply not really used to the international school community. Perhaps I have been in a cocoon of Singaporean-ness for too long, but having classmates who boast loudly about their clubbing at Zirca when they are only barely seventeen, about how they used to smoke cigarettes and weed (some still smoke, but not weed; that's illegal), and most repulsive of all, how they had seventeen female conquests within a year, and even had sex with some of them even, is too much for me to handle. There is only one more Singaporean left other than me, and it seems like the studious kind of student is hard to find in my school now. I don't necessarily like it, but I force myself to bear it. I wish I was back in RV amongst Singaporeans I knew, because culture divides are sometimes extremely unsettling and disturbing for me.

I remember praying a silent prayer to you today hoping that you would allow me a chance to reenter RV next year as a J1. And I remembered thanking you with immense gratitude after you showed me that route to take: doing well in my end-of-term exams and using the results to get back into RV.

However it does not mean my parents share the same sentiments as me.

Especially my mum.

I guess I have badly underestimated how much my mum was hurt during the four years of hell before.

And I thought I was the one with scars left on me to bear.

For my mum, it is ten times worse.

She bridles at every mention of my RV friends in our conversations, incessantly nags at me for trying to find chances to go back and visit my cca, and views with absolute anathema and horror my idealistic views of making a comeback in RV with me reentrance.

But she doesn't know, comprehend or understand my motives behind that hope and that idealism.

I'm just trying to be the best son I can be to my mum while she is still around.

Sorry if that sounded morbid, but trust me, if you can see this, you would have definitely heard the much more horrifying comments my mum made with regards to my future and hers.

Sometimes, ties cannot be just cut when you say so.

Again I remember that during Monday's disciple session with Mickon I mentioned revenge and hatred against many in RV as a major motivation driving me to succeed outside. I remember her rebuking me gently that that was not the right way to do things.

And then I read the book she gave me "How Good Is Good Enough?", and I am struck by the radical thought that perhaps for all my screaming and begging for "an eye for an eye" kind of justice from you to even the score, if you really did that everyone would suffer equally badly, including me, and I would definitely not call that justice or fairness as well!

Then I had to ask myself that question I have always tried to avoid: Would it hurt me to just let things go, forgive all those who hurt me, and just basically live and let live?

And oddly enough, I found that I could do it.

I don't know how, I don't know why. I swear that I have not tried to influence myself to forgive all of them unequivocally, but somehow now when I think back on that question, whatever bloodlust or revenge on my mind is more or less gone. Perhaps gone for good, or merely hidden, waiting for that spark to ignite the burning rage again. But I am more inclined to believe the former, because it is simply so unbelievably changed beyond recognition almost overnight.

So now I have gotten over forgiving those who hurt me in RV, and thus technically I feel that I am ready to reenter RV if given the chance.

But my mum doesn't.

I don't even dare tell her straight in the face the way you showed me to accomplish my wish for fear of angering and upsetting her to the point of absolute madness i.e. nonstop nagging morbid threats and the like.

So now I am stuck with just keeping this a secret from her.

But what if the plan works?

Fine so if the plan fails keeping quiet would only hide it forever from prying eyes.

But if it succeeded, how am I supposed to explain it to my parents?!

Especially my mum?

How would she take it?

Would it be too much?

Am I too selfishly bounded to the past to want to sacrifice my present state to try and relive the past the way it should have been?

Is it just delusion, or is it really all just a part of your plan for me?

I guess this is really making me messed up in my mind.

And yet again I take comfort that I am willing to forgive past grievances and move on because I now know rightly that I walk in your light, and that you will never allow anyone to hurt me and hurt you in the process as well.

Otherwise I could not have decided to forgive almost overnight.

It's totally surreal.

I make this post to you partly as thanks, and partly to ask for more guidance and help from you.

Just as this year was a watershed for me to return to You, I believe it would soon be the same for my mum and my dad.

But only this time you have got to work in them. I really cannot help. Because after all, you are supposed to be superhuman, while I am only mortal.

So save my parents, especially my mum, and turn her heart and mind around the same way you did for me.

Allow my mum to accept my wish to return to RV.

Bless me with good grades in my upcoming exams and a smooth application to return next year.

Keep those with foul and evil intents away from me and my family if your plan succeeds.

And give me my happiness and contentment I should have had for four years of my life.

Because after all, I think I deserve a second chance to start over.

Because after all the trials and tribulations my family has gone through, I believe it is time for some good news.

Your good news.

Thanks for listening. It really helps me to know that someone is seeing this and perhaps working on my wishes or if they are human, praying for me and my family.

Now I think I know what kindness and love can really be.

Amen.

2010-11-21T21:13:00.002+08:00

Hello Big Man:

Today was a good sunday for quite a long time. Finished all my work, gotten some good rest, and went out with my parents.

Don't really have anything much to say today, just bless my week ahead to be smooth sailing, and as usual, look over my family and me.

In your honourable name, amen.

2010-11-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

Dear Big Man:

It's my first time documenting my prayers down here on this blog, so I do hope you'll forgive me if some stuff here is inappropriate. It feels good to be able to document down my thoughts with some level of coherency, and I thank you for that.

It's been a tumultuous journey for me in coming back to you. So many things have happened. So many things are still happening now. And sometimes I can really feel lost, and many a time I find myself in conflict with myself over certain issues close to heart, knowing that the rational side of me wants to see things through you, and my emotional irrational side wants me to see things my way only.

One of the latest issue is about me asking Yiling to the Christmas bash. Back last week I called her up on an impulse to try and invite her to go, and to my surprise you made it a success. I could have been immensely grateful for that, but several things afterwards made me doubt my wiseness in pursuing such a chain of events to happen. I just found out that she has a church of her own already, and then when I obliquely mentioned that to some of my friends one of them poured cold water down on me pretty hard, as if I should never have done that or that she disapproved of that. Then when I told Yiling that I would confirm the timing with her as soon as possible today, she did a 180- turn and said she might not be able to make it after all. Her reason was that she might be hanging out with her family, but I have to wonder if that is really the truth, or is it only but a convenient truth to cover up a much uglier truth that she does not want me to know? And now come to think of it, I find myself wondering my purpose to invite her to the bash: is it really because I want to introduce her to my friends and help her in her rediscovery of you, or is it for a more selfish reason of me wanting to spend time with her after leaving RV for a year now? I always had this low self-confidence when it comes to girls, because I always thought that I was jinxed when it came to such rite-of-passage things like relationships. Come to think of it, perhaps it is only me having feelings for Yiling, and that she simply is not prepared to reciprocate it or even wants to accept it, only that she is too nice a person to tell it to me. I know she has many friends who disapprove of me simply because I have a bad reputation for having a bad temper, irrationality, combative, opinionated, or generally a scary person to be avoided by everyone. But I wish for her and everyone to know that under everything I am no different than anybody else. I just crave for someone to love and receive love from, and I don't mean from parents or siblings. I always felt that I had something to prove to myself and others, that I could compete with them in anything and do well in my life, get good results, have friends, get a girl, and basically things that define a successful all-rounded teenager. But it seems like nobody can really understand that. I don't know if I should press on and try to invite her to the bash, because although I feel immensely guilty that i might have personal selfish reasons to invite her, I don't know if it is wrong for me to ask for a little love from humans and be able to show love to them in a way different from how we do it for our parents and normal friends. I feel guilty also of potentially putting pressure on Yiling by the simple fact that she knows I like her more than just a friend, and yet she does not or cannot reciprocate it and can only put up with my "heavy crush/love" until it goes away a long time later, if it will ever go away at all. I know my reputation, and although I wish I could be closer with her, I always have to fear bringing ridicule and unkind comments to her by simply associating with her. It's a self-confidence thing I guess.

I want to also pray and ask for advice from you with regards to my family. As you know, my family does not really believe in religion. My mother does not want to immerse herself in religious things and applies that to me as well. My dad believes in karma i.e. "you reap what you sow". Perhaps its because he grew up by his own effort alone and brought up my mum and I with his honest efforts and prudent savings. I have to thank my parents for providing me with the childhood that many people would see as pampered and perfect, to the point that some people can be insensitive enough to label me as a spoilt kid. I have only recently decided to take the plunge and return to you after my long journey in the world on my own, and I am afraid of bringing this up with my parents, as I know they will definitely not take it nicely at all. However last year my mum got diagnosed with first stage B.C., and is now in her second year of remission. I can sense that she needs something to help her in life more than just stark reality. Its heartbreaking for me to hear her tell me that "My only wish now is to see you wear the square mortarboard when you graduate from university before I die sooner or later", especially when it has been a particularly chaotic year for me in terms of my studies. Last week she asked me about the church Christmas bash, and even said that she might want to drop by and look. I don't know if it is you acting on her, but if it really is you, I really pray hope you give me courage to be able to tell my parents my choice to follow you once again, as well as give my mother hope that she can survive for another twenty years at least, to see me graduate, and in the process get to know you as being more than a religion to believe blindly in, and ultimately join you in the kingdom of heaven that is so vaunted about by us mortals. And of course, please bless my father with good health, good business, steady savings, a healthy old age (he's getting old recently, I can tell), and give him spiritual support to help him continue to be the pillar in my family at least until I am old enough to take over and allow him to take the rest he so deserves for his whole life.

I still have a million questions to ask you. i admit I don't see myself believing every word you say in the Bible ( I still think whoever wrote them in the Vatican could have potentially corrupted them for their own benefits), I don't believe you created me and everything in the universe, and I certainly don't believe in your supposed-justice for people who have wronged me and should be made to pay dearly. But I can thank you for the grace you showed me for my seventeen years of my life thus far, to let me try to forge my way in the world without your help, and still have the grace to accept a wayward son of yours home and give him hope in life once more. You might not have created me physically, but I believe you created my soul and spirit. And I thank you for that.

I pray for my fellow churchmates: Mickon, for being the ever-suffering cell group leader who had to endure a year of prayers to see my return to your path; Ruth, for showing me what real friendship is, and standing by me through thick and thin; all my fellow cell group mates who have also suffered long at my unending tirades and arguments against your word and beliefs, and for Pastor Daniel, who had to go through double deaths last week. There is one particular favour I ask of you to grant with regards to church. It's the issue of Ian. I guess you might already have known the whole series of incidents between me and him last time. I still don't really like him, but I hope you can resolve the differences I have between him and me. You gave me a second chance. I hope you give me courage and understanding to give him a second chance too.

In your holy name, I thank you for listening to my thoughts, trouble and wishes.

AM.

2010-05-16T17:42:00.006+08:00

It's been quite a while to say the least.
Have a thousand things on my mind to say. Just that somehow I cannot seem to organise them in a coherent manner.

"I always believed silence is not a period of awkwardness, but a period of peace."

"It only occurs when you're with a person that you are really close and comfortable with though. somehow you try to force a topic out of your mouth when its someone not that close so that time passes more quickly and the person will have to leave soon or something. Silence is my personal measurement of whether a person is really close to me."

When I saw that comment on one of my friend's Facebook comments on her sister's status, my heart fell pretty badly.
Would that mean that because I sms you almost every night to ask you how was your day, or ask if you had a lot of work to do, means that I really actually don't have anything in common to speak to you about and thus I am considered not close to you? Even if I did all that because I actually cared about you?

I really don't know.
I try my best not to be discouraged or angry that you said that, even if it was not meant to hurt me.
I know I may not be in RV now, but then I won't let where I am from you in real life affect anything that might happen in the future.

I remember having a convo with you recently on FB Chat.
You said that because you didn't show your true side to anyone (or the bad side whatever it is) you felt that nobody except maybe your sister or family people will truly understand you and thus no guy will "know you more than you know yourself" and thus you are not ready for a relationship.
Fair enough.
But then you say that you do that (hide most of your true character) just so to let people have a good impression of you and then you have friends.
When I heard that, I actually felt very bad for you.
I mean no matter how bad your bad side is in reality, do you really have to go to the point of concealing your bad side from others just so because you care about what they think of you?
Life isn't about living for others' views and opinions about you, and frankly I feel that in today's world such opinions are way overrated in their importance in our lives.
I don't care how bad your bad side is, even if you say that "since you never saw it before you can say that very easily".
We love people for who they are in reality, not some mask that they present because they care about their "face value" or something.
Sorry I don't mean to be harsh about this to you, but really because I care, that's why I don't want you to really be what you told me, someone "who hides 65 percent of herself from others because she thinks its bad for her image in others' eyes".
Seriously, if your friends were true friends they would not be your friends just because they don't like your bad side! If that were the case then given my case why do I still have friends like you, Zhiliang, LeeHui and some other people in RV still?

And if you think that because you don't allow others to really see the true person you are that's why you cannot accept anyone special in your life right now, I can safely tell you that one day you will meet that person that will get you to open up your life to.
If somebody is willing to actually decide that you are the person that he wants to share his life with, surely it should be easy on your part to even open up a little bit as well?

Life is more than just living for others. It's about living for yourself and being who you truly are, and not necessarily letting others shackle your true character to their definition of how their friend should be. Because such people are not worthy to be your friends if they don't accept you for who you are.

And if there is any guy that can get you to open up your life and character, if there is any guy who can be the person you can rely on in the present and in the future...

I take it upon myself to be that guy to you. I promise.

Sorry am pretty screwed up these few days.
But then I cannot afford to keep all this thoughts bottled up in me, and if I put all this up on Facebook I will unleash a hell of a ruckus that will get both me and the person I am talking about in trouble.
And if you happen to read this post, I'm very sorry if I was overly blunt in my writings.
That's one of my weak points.
But I don't conceal that bluntness because others think it is unsuitable or something.

Because sometimes we need that bluntness from others to make us really think and change.
And really, you deserve better, and you can be better.

Will visit back at school when I have the chance.
Don't forget me till then.

2010-05-06T09:43:00.002+08:00

Just a short post to keep this place updated some.

saw you at JP interchange ysterday.
Glad to see that you are doing well in JJC.
Seems like you have a lot more friends and talk much more.
Which is a good thing.

I don't regret falling in love with you four years back.
But then again, I don't regret letting you go last year.
Because we both have our lives to lead,
and I have found someone better.

May you share the same fate too.

2010-04-27T23:00:00.002+08:00

I have everything I need to accomplish what I know I need to do.

But I just do not have the courage to take that shot in the dark and stake everything on this one last gamble.

So much for someone who thought he never knew fear before.

2010-04-27T19:22:00.002+08:00

Had a really bad day somehow.
Migraine is killing me.
No thanks to the weather turning hot and cold at the same time.
Plus all the variations in my future that I somehow can never successfully control.

Now I wish I never grew up to the age where I had to make my own decisions.
Its so much easier to allow someone who supposedly is all-knowing to decide your future and fate.
At least if something screws up, you have someone else to blame.

But now?
I make the decisions.
And for the first time I feel so drained from considering all my options.

Got screwed by Ms Ek very badly before she left RV abruptly.
Thought I sorted things out when I left for MDIS.
Then got screwed (ok nearly got screwed) and screwed people back a few weeks ago.
And now I am out in the wind to dry again.

I always get the feeling that I am left behind by my peers my age.
Like when you all graduate with A Levels, I might still be studying for God knows what.
Then what happens? I get looked down upon as a failure.
And I really hate entertaining that thought.

Just realised that amongst all the 3/4H photos taken, I appear in at most one or two of them.
Most of the time I am missing.
Would that prove that my last two years were a total waste?
Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing?

I know a lot of people supposedly care and feel concerned for me as a former classmate or friend.
But most of them are from 1/2K eras.
And as much as I am grateful to those people, I still feel regret and pain regarding my 3/4H class.

"Leaders, regardless of how bad they are, are God-appointed, so no matter what they will always be leaders, and no matter what you have to respect them and not challenge them."
That was what my pastor said.
So would that mean that Yuhao was God-appointed?
And does that mean I am destined only to listen to others and not be the one on top?

Above all, does that mean that those two years of my challenge was utterly wasted?

Whatever happened, I chose to let bygones be bygones. Not necessarily because I truthfully felt that I wanted to let things go, but because I knew I had no choice but to do so.
And now I finally realise that nothing I do now will ever make you people in 4H forgive me and accept me as your own anymore.
At least not the acceptance of those who really matter.

Something in me makes me feel wistful about all of you, even after how I hated all of you in 4H last year.
Like how all your lives are still so successful in RV, while I take a different winding path that is so hard to walk.
But nothing can turn back time and allow you all to forgive me now.
Isn't it?

Feel so lost now.
And who is to give me that advice that I so badly need now?

2010-04-18T22:20:00.002+08:00

The world will never be enough, but then its the best place to start for you and me.

Missing you as always I do.
Don't know how are you doing in JJC now.
Seems like we two lost contact entirely.
Perhaps for the better I guess.

But still it hurts.
Especially the one question that always burned in my mind:

"If we were in the same school during secondary times, could things have turned out differently?"

Guess there isn't any answer that I will ever find.

Hindsight and Regret are partners in crime.

2010-04-04T10:41:00.002+08:00

Haven't been blogging in quite a while.
School's ok actually for me.
I'm just surprised by the sheer rampancy of cheating in tests and how almost anyone and everyone can get away with it.
Including like at least ten people in my class.

And I'm the class chairperson, yet i keep my mouth shut and didn't give them in to the teachers and lecturers.
Sigh.
And I think I'm incorruptible?

In the words of one of them who happens to be my friend as well (ok not close friend but well on talking terms clearly) ,

"Its better to cheat and get 80 marks rather than mug hard and yet get a 50 or 60 marks. After all, who never cheated before in their life?"

"CHEATING IS THE SMART WAY TO GET SMART."

Am I supposed to believe that?
All the years I've been in elite schools and relatively sheltered from seeing the world and the people in it.
So is it a surprise that I am taken extremely by surprise and shock by this state of mentality?

And ironically, now somehow I miss RV even more.
Yeah dude, you aren't hearing the wrong thing. I haven't gone mad.
After 4 years of ranting about hating RV and getting trashed in school by bullies and hypocrites, I leave by a choice of fate and now barely 4 months and I'm getting school-sick, if there was ever such a term.
Wish I could come back.
Even after all that I've gone through.
Because now I finally realise that whatever I went through in here was nothing compared to the world outside.

Funny how it takes someone to lose something before learning to appreciate and cherish it.
Same for me and RV.

Given the chance, I would love to come back and be with all of you.
I won't be a little kid anymore and act like a brat all the time.
I won't take offence to every little joke or sarcasm directed at me.
I'll learn to accept my mistakes and work truthfully on them to change myself for my own good rather than for suiting others around me like I always thought.
I'll laugh off all the insults said my way by the same hypocrites that I hated the most.
I'll learn to forgive the person who hurt me the most during my last days in RV and let old secrets lie.

Because now I finally know,
People do this because they care about you and respect your existence.
And the same applies to them as well.

But when?
Oh when will I get the chance to come back to this sweet blessed school again?

2010-03-21T19:28:00.002+08:00

How painful is it to walk past someone whom you knew for so long, only to realise that when you two parted ways, she acted like she never knew you, a stranger at all?

And then again, how can you feel nothing when you know the person that you care for so much is living your exact same dream in reality, and yet you cannot be with her sharing the same dream as well?

2010-02-04T17:24:00.003+08:00

Well sometimes you realise that after you really are leaving, some people that you thought cared for you and you cared for them, well, they're not as they seem all the time.
I was wrong to trust you as a friend.
Tell me I am wrong?
Or perhaps both of us are wrong?

Yeah I know I am quite emo now about posting on blogs.
Well sometimes you gotta clean up some dust here and there right?
Neglected tagboard's been removed. Not like you all will utilise it anyway.

I know I may not have the time in my favour, but trust me, I will not give up on winning your heart so long as I still love you. I'm sorry for inadvertently causing you worry and anxiety the past year about my attitude to you. Lols hell I will try not to stare at you already.
Memories drift like snowflakes in a cold winter wind, but in my heart you will always be the junior I love. Hell with anyone who tries to ridicule me about such things, I will never give up on you wherever I am.

Because love conquers all.
Hopefully.

Happy early Valentines' Day, junior.

2009-11-26T17:30:00.002+08:00

Boring holidays.
Can't seem to have luck finding any work.
And I'm supposed to last till what? End February AT LEAST.
What the hell man.

Lol so here I am stuck at home almost everyday except for weekends when I go out with family or go out with Ruth.
Using the computer no less.

Guess I'm bored as it is.
But of course this long period of time also allows me to have a fresh start in the future.
In case any of you laggies haven't realised,
my name is not on the Year 5 SubCom list.
And nope I'm not retained.

I'm leaving everything behind.
Or almost everything.

Oddly, it is somewhat comforting that Ruth is leaving RV for poly as well as me.
I don't know how to explain it, but well just maybe having a good friend leaving allows me to be more secure and not worry so much.
But yeah, I'll miss some people.
All my choir friends.
Zhiliang.
YiJin,
Just to name a few.

Thinking of getting her a farewell gift to give her during choir.
Does Heffalump sound like a good idea?
Haha.
But yeah I will miss her the most when I leave.

Back to Facebook now.

Lol update in a week's time.

2009-10-31T10:54:00.002+08:00

Lol last day of school passed yesterday.

Yeah I know I haven't posted in quite some time.

Didn't go to school.
Mum didn't see the point of me going anyway.
So I got stuck at home reading new books and Facebook-ing.

This may be my last year here in RV.
I mean, not that I have especially close ties with the school and the people I've been with for these 4 years.
But still there are still some people that I have my heartfelt thanks to give.

First, ZhiLiang.
For being such a close friend and confidant for all these 4 years unwaveringly.

Secondly, Ruth.
For being my counsel of reason, telling me all the time that the best way to heal wounds is to forgive others even if you feel groosly shortchanged.

Thirdly, Shereen.
For being my weather vane in terms of allowing me to know how the class reacts to me and being my second counsel in reason. "Let his worst side bring out the best in you." Yeah thanks for that. Really.

Fourthly, all my choir CCA mates, especially Jiarong, Weiping, Cherie, Keng Hwee, YuQi, Calvin Goh, Amanda, JunJie, GuangJie and Yiling for giving me such fond memories of my times in choir. Although I harboured thoughts of leaving choir before, but now I feel so lucky I didn't, because that allowed me t share priceless memories that are my happiest in RV.

And finally, I just want to apologise to Farrah my long-suffering chairperson in 4H, especially for what I screamed in your face during last Friday. I know you suffer a lot of responsibility and protocol whenever something busts up between me and the class, and I am very sorry that I gave you so much trouble.
And yes, you were right with your reasoning last Friday: Just because Japan bombed Pearl Harbour and conquered SouthEast Asia does not mean that it is justified for all the countries conquered to drop an atomic bomb or two like the Americans did as a sign of revenge. Haha for once you won me.

Cherish those memories, good or bad. They mark out your path that you took when you grew up and became a young adult. Learn from the bad memories and haunting pasts, for they tell you what works and what doesn't. Laugh and smile at the good memories, for remember that even in your darkest times they still bought that little bit of light into your life, and sometimes its that little bit of light that counts.

Perhaps if fate would have it we all can see each other again if I leave this school.
Remember me as the classmate who was an ardent confidant and supporter of his friends, the guy who perhaps talked a little too straight and hard, but above all, a person that existed not as a perfect person, but strove to become one with the class.

Going off to church with Ruth again.
Till the next time, God Bless.

2009-10-16T21:53:00.000+08:00

Why do I feel so cold-blooded now?

Trust me, I think I will really go berserk on tuesday.
Blood may be spilled.
Please someone stop me from doing what I am thinking of doing.

Night Soldiers

2009-10-09T19:12:00.002+08:00

Sigh.
Sorry to have neglected this blog for so long.
Yeah I guess when you grow older such things just lose their shine already.

O levels' in a few weeks, so just wanna wish En Chyee good luck and JIAYOU!! :D:D:D:D

Haha yes we're just friends.

You've been the person on my mind recently.
Always thought of seeing you in school every day.
I still remember me telling Ruth that the mere sight of your face is enough to make my day.
Haha guess that's true all the same.
Really can't wait till choir starts up again after eoys.
Since that's my only real chance of seeing you.

You know, sometimes I feel like I have a thousand words to say to you.
But ever since what happened last year (I don't think you readers need any reminders),
I never dared to profess myself to a girl anymore.
But perhaps...
Perhaps this may change...
Who knows? ;)

Till then, I'll think of you, and remember your cute little face with that goggly white glasses and bright smile as my biggest comfort.

Lol.
Guess this will do for now...

Oh and Ruth, YOU STILL OWE ME A LUNCH DATE TO IKEA.
haha.

2009-09-14T09:49:00.002+08:00

Sorry but haven't been posting in a long while.
EOYs are coming.
Mugging fever again.
The last time I mugged this hard was when I was in P6 for PSLE.
Haha 4 years after, I am doing the same thing again.

Perhaps sometimes it isn't too late to realise that some things are just not fated.
And I've come to realise that we two are more friends than lovers.
Perhaps we have grown apart over these four years.
Perhaps all these could have been changed at the beginning.
But none of these matter now.
Because finally I realise that it is better that we are friends only and nothing else.

Somebody once said that "If you love somebody truly, let her go when you have to. Because if it was meat to be, she will return. If I wasn't fated, then nothing ever existed."

Now I finally understand what that person meant.

Perhaps our relationship may flower again some time in the future.
But as for now, I'm willing to let you go.
Perhaps you would want it too, since you told me that you didn't want me to waste my youth waiting for you.
I took your advice.

2009-07-15T20:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if these years hav been or nothing.
Perhaps someday we will know.
But for now, do you know how badly I miss you?
Every night I think of you.

sigh.

2009-07-13T09:55:00.000+08:00

New week.
Want to watch Transformers 2...
zzz seems like there are no decent movies to watch nowadays... maybe Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince may buck my trend of not watching HP movies...

lol.

Mafia Wars still rocks.
But Texas Poker is giving it a run for its money too haha

Perhaps we can go to the same school together?
You said that you wanted to take psychology in polytechinc.
Ngee Ann seems like a good idea...
What do you think?

hope to see you there.

and one more thing...

i really miss you.

Sometimes one wonders if our fate has really run its course.

2009-07-03T19:37:00.002+08:00

Saw you today at the interchane.
Haven't seen you for quite some time already.
How's your life in CSS going?
Hope you aren't stressed out by O Levels this year.

You know, sometimes I have been thinking quite a lot about things.
Especially you.

I still remember the agreement we had in P6.
You were the school beau then.
I was just a normal guy going about his life.

Fate bought us together.
And very soon I fell or you.
I still remember we agreed to stay single till JC or university.
Only then would we start dating.

But recently you have been giving me a lot of mixed signals.
We are still friends no doubt.
But then, you keep hinting that I should get a girlfriend soon
Even commented that I should spend my teenage years waiting for you.

I don't understand why.
For four years I loved you, and you only.
And yet now I get the feeling that all this while I have been blind to the fact that this may be a one-sided affair.
I don't know why.
I don't want to feel this way too.

But somehow I do.

I still want to be with you and love you,
but has our fates really run its course and that we can only part as friends?
I want to be more than a friend to you.
Really.

Love's hard.
And I don't want to end it all after four years.
Sigh.

Just a mindless lovesick rant.

-Devious K.

2009-06-17T10:49:00.002+08:00

Very pissed at he way technoloy can fail us when we need them the most.
First my goddamn wireless mouse managed to fail me when I was typing a document.
Then my handphone keys started going haywire.

Now Facebook Mafia Wars REFUSES to load.

DAMMIT.

Choir camp was a bit of a letdown.
Seems that after every year, everything gets worse somehow.
I mean, last year was a bit washed out.
But this year, it's a failure.
TOTAL FAILURE.

Not that I want to pour cold water over my juniors whom have put in 100% of their time and effort in organising this camp.
But seriously, last night I came back home disgruntled, tired for nothing and very dishevelled.

What the bleah.

2009-06-03T21:00:00.002+08:00

Found this song by Rascal Flatts recently.
Called I'm Moving On.

Perhaps it is especially poignant for me at the end of the year.
For an entirely different reason I guess.

And right now, only you know what I mean.
It's especially hard to say.
But then, who doesn't have his or her dignity?

"I'm Moving On" (Rascal Flatts)

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Time to say the goodbye I've always withheld.

2009-05-22T10:43:00.003+08:00

Been reading people's blogs lately.

Found some posts intriguing.
In a spooky and unsettling kind of way.

Simply because I'd never expected such a post from that person before.

Well guess I'll say more later.

Here's a relatively new song from Rascal Flatts.
Called Here Comes Goodbye.

Hauntingly beautiful.

Of Angels and Demons.

2009-05-21T19:52:00.002+08:00

Went to watch Angels and Demons earlier this week on Sunday.
And it was one of the best films I've ever watched.
Tom Hanks was great.
And so was Ewan McGregor the carmelengo.

Changed my blogskin today.
Finally figured how the hell does skins work.
Still tinkering about the skin though...
Maybe changing it to something else soon...
Depends on my mood and the response...
Though I daresay that some of you would say this skin is too girlish.

Haha.

That's Ewan McGregor as the carmelengo.
Funny to have a priest dressed in black.

That's all for now.

2009-05-14T19:12:00.002+08:00

Lol... haven't been updating for quite some time.
Just popped back here to clear some dust from this blog.
seems quite old le.

I think I'm losing interest in blogging.
Redundant in a sense.
So enjoy this blog and save my posts that you all like soon, 'cos one day they will be all gone.
Haha.

June Hols coming up.
Got a lot of catching up in schoolwork to do.
Cross-country I'm running competitive.
They say drinking coffee before running will boost stamina and energy.
Well let's see on x-country day then!

Wish to ask you out someday during the hols for lunch.
But when?
And will you be able to go?

Till All Comes To Pass.

2009-04-12T19:37:00.001+08:00

I'm not an emo person.
No, really.
I don't think I am.

Well I'm being random here, since I am a bit loopy headed from sleeping at 10.30pm yesterday night when I woke up at 6.30am.
Yeah I know that's freaking early to sleep.
But well... I ain't nocturnal.

Planning to make a new blog for my picture archive.
Maybe tomorrow.
I don't know.

Reminscing about a past flame only hurts the heart even more.

2009-04-09T19:54:00.003+08:00

Long day for me.
Somehow or rather I can never sleep later than 10.30 pm everyday.
Else I'll get the worst migraines I can ever get.

Yeah I know 10.30 is FREAKING early...
but well, what to do?
I can't turn nocturnal right?

En Chyee, take care of yourself ah! Everytime skip recess don't eat, not good for your health! Heard that you came down with a fever today from Valerie. Seriously, you should rest more and eat more. Don't push yourself too hard. Else I see already also very xin1 tong4...

GET WELL SOON DEVIOUS K!

Quantum of Solace.

2009-04-07T18:24:00.003+08:00

Been listening to Quantum of Solace soundtracks non-stop all day, except when having lessons.
Suddenly I find many hidden feelings and thoughts coming up again after listening to the soundtracks.
Don't know why.
Odd, but true.

Thinking of getting a new coat soon.
MAybe a black one as usual but with a blazer-like gut.
saw this damn snappy jacket at G2000, but it costs a freaking bomb.
BUT SO NICE!!!
:DDD

Haven't seen you online for quite a while. I don't know why. You blocked me? I trust you didn't. But I really miss talking to you as we have done last time. really.

I wish I could talk to you.
But then, you never replied.
Why?

2009-04-06T20:11:00.003+08:00

Long time didn't post.
Heard that my blog is the most widely-read blog in RV Yr 4s...
Like I believe like that.
Hahas.

Bought Quantum of Solace soundtracks yesterday.
SUPER :DDDDDD

HAHAHAH

Studies still can lah.
At least being busy with studies keeps me from reminscing too much about the past.
Not that I want to.

And yet not all of the past was bad.
Trouble is how to sift the good out from the bad.

The World At Night

2009-03-31T20:30:00.003+08:00

"True love isn't all about expecting the other party to give you her love fully and unconditionally all the time.
It's about you expecting yourself to love the other party fully and unconditionally, regardless of whatever may happen."

"The person who is the roughest on the surface is more often than not the most soft and sentimental deep inside. He is just so rough on the surface because he takes everything the world gives him and never makes a sound."

"So long as you are happy, I can always force myself to forget about you, swallow my tears and smile for you. Because I owe you too much as a friend. And you're a special friend at that. I wish you would give me more chances to atone my sins against you in the past for hurting you so much, but would you be willing to give me those chances? I don't mind being sad and heartbroken, so long as you are happy and content with yout other person in your life."

" I guess that everyone has a secret corner in their hearts, and that only the people they cherish the most can see it."

"Forgive her. Forgive yourself."

I don't wanna miss a thing.

2009-03-25T18:59:00.002+08:00

"Loving someone is not as hard as missing the person you love."

How true it is.

I've been crying this past few nights.
Past visions and faces have flooded into my subconscious mind, old friends' faces floating past me, all smiling at me, all looking at me.

I miss you all.
really.

Like how we would always run down for recess and get to be the first in the queue.
Like how we would mindlessly talk about which singer we listen to.
Joking about each other.

I miss those days.
I miss you more.

Really.

For you, a thousand times over.
For you, a thousand times over.
For you specially, a thousand times I'll write your name and whisper it every night in my dreams.

2009-03-24T20:03:00.002+08:00

1. What disappoints you the most?
Having so many things to do and say, and yet not being to find a true friend to share the joys with.

2. Where will you go if someone sponsors you a tour ticket?
EEE... yer... actually I got three places... nono make that four... Russia (and I'm anti communist, what an irony), New Zealand, New York(TIMES SQUARE!!! :DDDDDDDDDD) and Korea.

3. What’s the most romantic thing you would like to do with the one you love?
Sail out to sea on my own cruise yacht, or just simply sitting at home on a rainy day cuddled up in each others' lap.

4. Do you think money can buy happiness?
If you're a moneypenny, yes. But for me... half yes half no.

5. If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
That I can reverse time and cherish the people I love more.

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Obviously and sadly, no.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Family, friends (if I have any), and most of all, the persons I love.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Save it for university. YEAH I KNOW THAT'S SO TEXTBOOK.

9. What do you dream of doing in the future?
I've got a lot of dreams. Maybe I'll become a pilot in the air force or SIA, or work in the Foreign Affairs Ministry as a diplomat, or a captain of a cruise liner or oil tanker sailing the seven seas as a free soul. Anything that's high-paying and exciting. Or maybe even a history teacher in MOE ( HAHA I'd love to see myself back in RV teaching history alongsides Mr Desmond Lim) . Then maybe woo the girl I've always held a light to for 4 years already, marry her, then settle down in a seaside terrace house. I'd love to have two kids, one boy one girl. And if I can, I want to spend more time with my family and my parents.

10. Do you know who is super junior?
????????

11. What makes you happy?
To see the people I cherish and love, to spend a whole afternoon quietly reading at the library, going to some posh restaurant to have dinner, standing on the balcony on a clear sharlit night watching the heavens, listening to sad love songs and reminiscing past events and people whom I still think about every day. Hanging out with close friends who know me and trust me, knowing that I have some positive impact on others in school or around me, having confidence in my own potential...
Basically it's the small things in life that are the most precious.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
Hypocrites, mavericks who are just plain dumb smart-alecks, backstabbers, clique kings and queens.

13. Where do you see yourself 10 years down the road?
Out of uni, happily married. :)

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
My soulmate, my family.

15. Do you believe in Life after Death?
I'm an atheist.

16. Missing question.

17. Which cartoon character you like most?
TOM AND JERRY!!!
18. Are you courageous enough to go and tell the person that you like him/her?
If I see the right opportunity, and she is a good friend of mine, yes.

19. Who do you always bully?
Erms... I'm the one getting bullied...

20. If you could have a superpower,what would it be?
Be a guardian angel to the people that I love and care about.

2009-03-24T14:13:00.002+08:00

"You are my nobody, that's why I don't treat you like a friend."
"You're only an acquaintance."

Perhaps that was really what you truly felt.
Just that you didn't admit it.

I thought that I could trust some people to be my friend or confidant.
Sometimes I am right.
Sometimes I am wrong.
But more often that not, I find it hard to distinguish between right and wrong choices.

You are one of them.

You know how much I envy you in class?
How much I want to just pluck up the courage and go to you and your friends and join in, just to reassure myself that I'm still in this class?
I've got a million things I could say to a friend who could listen.
And yet I find it so hard to find one.

You were one person I wanted to find a confidant in.
Sometimes you were one.
And yet sometimes, you and I act more like we never knew each other.
Is it because of past events?
Is it just me?
Or you?

I'm really sorry if I have been too cold and detached from the world.
And I feel really bad to treat you like a common person whom I do not know.
But then, what holds me back isn't you, but my fear of your friends.
How they would roll their eyes to me, make cold snideful inside remarks and even stage mass walkouts on me.
I can't change their stereotypical mindset towards me.
But how am I to know if you haven't become them too?
With every day that passes, I get the feeling that you are drifting away from me more and more, and that you want it that way.

No wonder you said that I'm a nobody to you.

But I tried my best in all that I did.
I just need some reassurance.
That I'm on the right path.
That I just need to hold on longer.
that I will always have friends to rely on.

And above all, I wish that those words will come from someone in my class.
Someone whom I know I can trust.
Are you the one?
I really wish so.

"What hurts the most, is being so close
and having so much to say, yet watching you walk away."

-S

2009-03-24T10:11:00.002+08:00

In case you people are dumb enough not to know, my msn message last night was meant for you to know.
IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.
PERIOD.
AT LEAST I MAKE IT VERY CLEAR.
AND NOT DEAL IN SOME BACKHAND POLITICS IN CLASS THE WAY YOU ALL DO.

And thanks, Sonjia.
It's Norine not Noreen.

My fault for that error.

And if you all are not happy with what I write, I HEREBY WELCOME YOU TO LODGE A MASS REPORT TO THE TEACHERS. IN FACT, I'M EXPECTING IT. SO DON'T DISAPPOINT ME.

2009-03-23T21:09:00.002+08:00

Am a bit emo and angry and sad today.
And tired too.

Went to Semakau today.
Trip was fine overall.
Enjoyed it.
Wore my sunglasses.

But seriously, I really don't know why, but I always seem to get ostracised by the class for no goddamn reason.
When I was in the bus and sat behind, everyone ran to the front.
When I sat in front, everyone ran behind.
When I was on the boat, nobody wanted to sit with me when I sat near the window, and Claudia had to be half-coerced to sit beside me as a buffer.
Everyone tries to avoid me all the time.
When we returned on the boat, everyone didn't want to sit on the bench I was occupying even though they all knew there weren't enough seats.
Only Alfreda was kind-hearted enough to tell you people off for ostracising me and offered to sit beside me.

Seriously, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!
I am not loud anymore.
I keep silent most of the time.
I listen more than I speak.
My temper rarely flares up.
I never do anything to provoke you people.
BUT WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL OSTRACISING ME?!?
HELL MAN WE ARE STILL A CLASS. AS MUCH A LONER I AM, I STILL WANT A PART IN THIS CLASS.
BUT I DON'T GET IT. PERIOD.
RECESS, EVERYONE SHUNS ME.
ON THE BUS, EVERYONE SHUNS ME AND GRUMBLES WHEN I TAKE THEIR PERCEIVED "BEST SEATS".
SAME ON THE BOAT.
SAME EVERYWHERE!

Hell man what must I do to make you all stop trying to push me away from the class like I'm a nobody?
I know many people in class hold a very negative stereotype of me.
Jolene, Valerie, Shirleen, Muxin, Frederick,Yuhao ,Noreen , Ziqi , Ximeng.
And the rest of you in class?
YOU ALL ONLY KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW YOUR FRIENDS ON TURNING YOUR BACKS TO ME.
EVEN WHEN I NEVER MEANT ANY HARM TO ANYBODY IN CLASS.

I find it hard for someone to stop wearing coloured glasses to look at me and start treating me like a normal human being who needs friends and not enemies.
It took a lot of courage for Alfreda to stand up for me today.
I admire her for that.
And what's the really ironic part?
I THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE THE LAST PERSON TO RESPOND IN SUCH A WAY, THAT SOME OF YOU IN CLASS WERE MORE EMPATHIC FIRST.
BUT WHAT DO I SEE?
ALL OF YOU ARE WEAK-BACKBONED IN YOUR EMPATHY AND ONLY KNOW THE EASY WAY TO STEREOTYPE PEOPLE!!!

HELL I ADMIT I STILL HAVE A FEW SCORES TO SETTLE WITH SOME PEOPLE.
BUT I DON'T LET THEM CLOUD MY VIEWS AND IMPRESSIONS OF ANY OF YOU!
HELL ONE THING IS ONE THING.
I DO NOT MIX PAST EVENTS UP WITH PRESENT EVENTS!

AND THE PEOPLE WHOM I THOUGHT I COULD RELY ON AS FRIENDS?
WHERE WERE ALL OF YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU?
NONE OF YOU STOOD UP FOR ME!
IT TOOK SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER CLASS TO STAND UP FOR ME!!
IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT A FELLOW CLASSMATE!?!?!?

I DON'T WANT TO SAY OUT WHO I THOUGHT WERE MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE THIS WOULD BACKLASH ON EVERYBODY.
BUT YOU ALL KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW THAT IT IS YOU THAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
YOU WHOM I SMSED WHEN MY MUM WAS IN HOSPITAL LAST MONTH.
YOU THREE.
BUT DID YOU ALL DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU SAW SUCH IN-YOUR-FACE STEREOTYPING?
NO!!

Hell I must get this off my chest.
And I got nobody to tell this to at all.
NOBODY!
DO I DESERVE THIS ISOLATION OR WHAT?!?!
MUST YOU ALL BE SO COLD TO ME?!?!?!?
IS A LITTLE ACCEPTANCE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU ALL?!!??

I only want to be in the class as a part of all of the class.
To have people whom I can trust without having to go through the same old ordeal of problems and then you people standing out to console me and then melting away into the shadows.
I am not the loner I am made out to be.
Neither am I so strong in my will anymore.

I just need friends.
I just need support.
Is that too difficult to ask for?
Am I unreasonable in any way?

I really don't know what to say anymore.

But deep in me, my heart is bleeding tears of blood.
And I don't know how long can I hold on.

Thanks for everything you did today, Alfreda.
Thank you.

2009-03-12T14:21:00.000+08:00

Screwed up my gpa.
1 point something.
Am pretty emo now.

I guess this means that it's time to stop blogging or msn-ing or all that crap now...
must make use of March Hols to make up for lost time...
So this may be my last post for a long time...

MUST HAVE SELF DISCIPLINE IN MY WORK!!!

The World Upside Down.

2009-03-10T17:46:00.004+08:00

"I prefer to see the world in only three colours. Black, white and a single shade of grey. At least I don't waste my time trying to figure out every single colour of grey in between. It's more clear cut."

"Well ironically you seem to be wearing the same colours too. Black jacket, white uniform, and a single shade of grey glasses."

These words shocked me.
At how much my belief is carried out in my attitude to people, my way of handling things, and even how I wear my clothes.

But are they wrong?
Must they be wrong?
Do I need to doubt everyone for the sole reason of self-defence?
Am I too on guard everytime?
Am I too cold?

If you are in my class and happen to read this blog, PLEASE tell me. Seriously. I gotta know what are your responses. 'Cos I think I need to rethink everything I've believed in.

2009-03-09T19:25:00.002+08:00

I dream of you every night, walking by my side.
Of how we could be together, walking along the beachside.
How you would laugh at anything I say no matter how lame I am.
Or how you would always give me your assuring look when I'm down.

Sometimes the weather reflects my mood.
Today was a dark heavy storm.
Gusting winds.
Sheet-like rains.
Which perhaps means that I'm in a bad mood due to some idiots in class.

Wished that I could go home with you everyday.
To be at your side.
To talk to you.
But then, we're worlds apart.
But I believe in fate about love.
Just as I have held on to this relationship for so long.

For you, a thousand times over.

For you, a thousand times I'll say your name when I go to bed.

Pray hope that I see you in my dreams.

2009-03-02T21:29:00.004+08:00

Perhaps we are destined only to pass each other just like this.
But for you, a thousand times to eternity.

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.

It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret.

Letting go isn't about winning or losing.

It's not about pride or prestige.

And it isn't being obsessed or dwelling on the past.

Letting go isn't about blocking sad memories or thinking sad thoughts.

And it shouldn't leave feelings of emptiness ,sadness, or hurt.

It isn't all about giving in or giving up.

Letting go does not mean that you have lost and are defeated.

To let go is to cherish the memories, overcome them and then move on.

It is also about having an open mind to the future.

Letting go is also about learning and growing from experiences.

And to let go is to be thankful for those experiences.

Experiences that made you laugh, cry and grow.

It's about all that you had, all that you have now and all that you can gain in the future.

Letting go is having the courage to face change, not detesting change, and having the strength and willpower to change.

Letting go is growing up.

Sometimes our hearts can be the most potent remedy to all our troubles.

All it takes is for us to open that door in our hearts and clear a new path.

And then, you can finally be free.

Saw this on Brenda's blog.

Edited a bit of it here and there.

But then, how long do I need for myself to stop being so self-defensive?

How long does it need for me to forget past shadows?

And how long indeed do I need for myself to forgive and forget?

God knows.

I do not.

Perhaps the day when I finally can stop wearing my overcoat in school, then I can finally be free in mind and soul.

Because that overcoat is my armour.

The wall that I want to maintain for the sole purpose of defence.

But then, isn't it like the Berlin Wall, splitting the space between me and the class and the people around me?

Because of that wall, I can't trust anyone fully.

Because of that wall, I treat everyone as a potential threat.

Because of that wall, my heart is easily hurt by people that I considered close to me.

Sigh.

Life is hard.

But well, forgetting is a luxury that we don't know how to use.

Till perhaps the end of time.

What will you do when you know that every move will hurt the person you love?

2009-03-01T22:03:00.002+08:00

Funny why I've become so freaking guai.
Woke up at 10 today (WHY DIDN'T I STAY IN BED?!!) and studiously mugged maths until 11 WITHOUT EATING BREAKFAST OR EVEN BRUSHING MY TEETH.
Finished my homework in record time.
The computer then took over for 4 hours more or less.
Smashed the Japs 4 times over in battleship chess.

Been getting fatigued quite a lot these few days.
Sorry 4H if I freaked some of you out for being so pissed and emo for the last 3 hours on Friday.
But I really wasn't feeling very well.
Stupid migraine cocking up.
And to add to it, I can't take paracetamol due to some funny allergy.

WHICH PRETTY MUCH LEAVES ME DEFENSELESS TOWARDS FEVER AND MIGRAINES.

Damn.

School tomorrow.
Gotta sleep early.
And pray hope I don't get sick.
For real.
Since March is my sick season ever since P4.

*Sighs*

You know, sometimes you really should know when to keep your distance from girls you know. Just because you consider yourself more of a girl than a guy does not mean that you aren't still a guy. And it's pretty obvious even to a dumbass that you want to go STEP programme because she is going. HEE-LOOO?? She's taken. Go look for someone else. And don't forget that you are a guy, and that means you don't go around trying to stick to her every time.
Sorry if this pisses anyone off, but being a friend I really can't help but be concerned.

AND STOP CHANGING IN CLASS FOR GOD'S SAKE!

2009-02-28T15:33:00.002+08:00

Screw my results.
seriously.

I'm like hanging by my skin now for my term 1 report card.
And I'm fully expecting a gpa below 2.0
Though my LA Chinese and History can hopefully save a bit of me.
dammit.
dammit.

I'm gonna cut back on my computer usage after March hols.
For real.
My time is almost up, and yet I'm still mucking around.

dammit.
Screw school.

2009-02-25T19:08:00.002+08:00

It's funny and intriguing how Fate can bring two people together in the most unexpected way possible.
It's even more intriguing when you had wanted to see her and thought that you never could.

Well that's what happened.
I thought that school would release at 2, so I could go to CSS as they were released at 3pm.
Until I realised that I had chem remedial.

seriously, I was swearing like hell then.
"Shitshitshit now I can only go at 4pm and that's like 1 hour behind them! WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

But then, a curious intriguing twist of fate.

We managed to go off at 4 on time. For once haha.
I took 963 to Clementi.
Then MRT to Boon Lay.
When I reached Boon Lay Interchange, I saw Bus 30 pulling in.
Then my primary school classmate Valerie got out.
She saw me, and said Ohmygawd.

"Why? Shocked that I'm here?"
"Why are you here in the first place?" Apparently she didn't know anything.
"Chem remedial. Why the fuss?"

"Because she is on the bus! See? She's coming down!"

I honestly went stunned. Speechless with surprise and delight.
"Good luck ah haha!" Valerie laughed.

And this is how I finally met with En Chyee again in a long time.

My oh my, I am so happy today.

Thank God I was delayed by Chem tuition.
Turns out that she was delayed too. By Bio remedial.
haha.

Who says Fate can't pull two people together?

I'm happy. Very happy.
haha you all don't know her anyway.
But well...
Let's just say that...it's a secret.

;)

2009-02-24T21:33:00.001+08:00

Tuesday.
CCA day.

Another rainy day.
Funny how I like walking in the rain.

Got funny stares from the NCC Part Cs and Ci Xing & CO. when they were in front of UG room doing some god-knows-what drill.

I wonder what's so funny about me everytime.
Seems like a lot of people know me.
Particularly in NCC.

*rolls eyes heavenwards*.

Stupid chem tuition tomorrow.
DAMMIT.
Now I can't go to Commonwealth after school to go home with her.
Screw it.

2009-02-23T20:34:00.002+08:00

Long time never really properly posted already.
Haha just so you know, most of my posts are impromptu ones that I didn't like really plan for them beforehand...
And it's a miracle that even so I can still keep my eloquent flowy writing in my posts.
haha.

Maths' quite screwed up I think.
LA, quite good. At least I'm getting my standard back this year and starting to turn out top-quality essays finally.
History? Everything I already knew, so lessons are just revision for me to refresh my memory.
Chinese? Dunno yet.
Chem? Quite ok.
Physics? So-so.

-.-

sigh...

My studies sucks...

But hopefully I won't be so bad in my studies this year, and well things look like they are lightening up for me these few days.

Here's a kickass video to end off.

In the end of all Things.

2009-02-20T19:18:00.002+08:00

Got released early from school cca today.

haha.

And kind souls, please leave a comment if you come by here. Any comment will suffice. Thanks, since I feel this blog is a bit too cold...

It all ends here.

2009-02-19T20:15:00.002+08:00

Tuesday was a day of upheaval and change.
And for once, I was happy again.

Perhaps Fate only wanted us to pass each other as innocent friends,
but I can never win your heart.
I'm glad that you have found the guy that you love,
and I wish you both good luck in the future.

Felt my heart lighten up a lot after speaking to Clement.
No I didn't want to fight him anyway.
Just wanted to bring closure to the issue at hand and clear up some of my thoughts.

All's over now.
I'm glad, she's glad, he's glad.

Perhaps someday I will see both your names,
joined in holy matrimony.

Cold Mountain.

2009-02-16T20:08:00.002+08:00

Something big's bugging me now.
Something not-so-well-best-not-be-said.

But how the hell can you do that?
Keep such a bomb quietly, and hoping that having it as a low profile would save you from embarrassment?
And in the process, wounding me?!

And now when I want to get angry, I can't.
Why?
Simply becaus the person I want to be angry at is the person whom I have the greatest "tolerance" level of respect.
And also because I'm a gentleman.

WTH!

The cold rain. The cold wind. But worst of all, the cold and broken heart she gave to me today.

Valentines' Day

2009-02-14T16:44:00.002+08:00

A quiet day for me...

Been kinda slipping into long lapses of memory flashbacks recently, and also caught myself daydreaming a lot recently too...
Sometimes during lessons, sometimes in the quiet mornings when I stand outside class a the corridor facing the canteen (yes I know that some of you think I'm odd), and yet sometimes at home as well...

Most of the time I would be like listening to music and thinking. Music that was sad and soft and slow and yet still very poignant to me...

And I would think of events in the past and the future.
Like how I was always a loner sticking out in class.
Like how much trauma I had in my primary school days when I was bullied day in day out.
Like how conflicting my heart and head actually are.

And then how my life has been since I entered RV.
How I came in, and almost chose to go out to Commonwealth.
And how my grades ain't that stellar even though I try my best.
as well as how I still face trouble having friends.

A lot of things.

Sometimes I would also kinda make up what I want a scene in my future to look like.
Like me getting my first and second class honours in university.
Or perhaps me flying above my home in an F-16 during my NS.
And a lot of times, me being surrounded by friends who care for you and are willling to accept you.

Sometimes I also dream about how I want my wedding to be like.
Maybe on the stern deck of a luxury cruise liner, facing out into a stunning sunset.
Under a clear night sky filled with stars.
Walking down an aisle covered in white carnation petals.
Me wearing a white tuxedo and carrying a boquet of crimson roses for my bride.
And my new wife wearing a white evening halterneck gown studded with Swarovski crystals.
And then dancing under the stars... blissfully in love.

Maybe I'll have three kids, 2 guys one girl.
Doesn't matter what order they are born in.
Then perhaps when I retire, I'll take my wife for a cruise around the world.
especially Alaska, which I see as the most beautiful wild landscape ever seen by man.

And what is my impression of my wife?
I really can't put a word or description to this question.
She should be outgoing, sociable, well good-looking of course ( but looks don't determine everything), caring, a good companion to me, supportive... and most of all a soulmate that I can trust my feelings to.

I guess saying more will surely set tongues wagging.
sigh...

And everytime when I daydream about all these, I will surely feel a bit sad.
Sure I may not cry, but well my eyes are surely wet as hell.

I like it in the mornings at school when I can wrap my jacket round me and stand at the "balcony" of the corridor of the container classroom and look out across the track and canteen.
Listening to quiet music, without my glasses on.
Tranquil for me to at least be able to enjoy a moment of solitude.

Life is hard.
Friends are harder to find.
And a true friend and soulmate?
Almost impossible.

Perhaps I am too emo and depressed at times.
And yet again, perhaps not.

I wish to be friends with you all in class, but somehow I don't have the guts to come up to you people and talk.
I don't know why.
I used to be do this with ease.
Now, I find myself getting more and more quiet, closing my feelings in and locking them up, for fear that others can see them.
But I cannot be like this forever.
can I?

I wanted to go out with some of you today on Valentines' day, and apparently I wouldn't be able to, partly bacause I cannot due to my parents, and partly because... I simply forgot how to have friends anymore.

The world ain't all black or white.
Shades of grey exist.
But then, why can't I see them?

I'm lapsing into emo-ness again.

But well, perhaps I still have my future to live for.
And perhaps if I really try,
my daydreams will turn into reality.
Someday.
Someday.

But for how long?

Sarang Hei Yo... sigh.

2009-02-13T20:02:00.007+08:00

Valentines' Day.
Another year when I feel damn ~~empty~~ emo ~~sad wanna cry resigned...~~

It's painful and heart-wrenching when you still love someone truly, yet you can't approach her because of your past with her... and even worse when you don't want to admit it and act macho...
Yet I promised my childhood ~~crush sweetheart~~ special friend that I will wait for her... no matter how long it takes...
Feels bad not to be able to see her and be with her...
feels even worse when you realise that you've fallen in love with two girls... and yet suprisingly lack the guts to admit it to your classmate... who apparently is involved.

Everytime the guys joke about what "Clement loves ~~Shereen~~, Ci Xing loves ~~Shereen~~, Alan loves ~~Shereen~~, ~~Shaowei wants to jio her~~" that kind of crap, I always put up a calefare face...
But seriously, do you know how bad and sad and angry and idiotic I always feel?
~~I never wanted to admit in her face and everyone else that I still love her...~~
But seriously, do you all know how hard it is for me to keep silent about all this?
I see her everyday.
I tell her that we are just friends, nothing more nothing less...
and then I lied... about my true thoughts.
I know this ain't a private blog anymore...
but I REALLY WANT TO LET THIS ALL OUT.
I DON'T WANNA DECIEVE MYSELF AND DELUDE MYSELF TO MY FEELINGS...
~~AND I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT HER...~~
~~AS WELL AS MY CHILDHOOD SPECIAL FRIEND.~~

I have a lot of things bottled up in me...
that I don't wanna admit...
but then...
can I continue to fake myself from the truth that I'm just a little too not over her?

I really don't know.
And yet, I really don't know how to face her and tell her...

And now valentines' day is tomorrow...
which leaves me even lonelier and sad and angry at myself and emo...

But who is to listen?
God knows...

Ok enough emo-ing here...
else I would daresay another scandal will start again...
But yeah... I got a thousand questions and secrets, yet I have no answers for them.

Ironic eh? How life and love ain't the blissful existence everyone believes them to be...

sigh...

got some sad love songs that I like to listen to here.
Found them on youtube.

2009-02-11T18:35:00.002+08:00

"Life's just a collection of lies. It's just that we conceal our lies better than the others, that's all."

"There's nothing fair about who lives and who dies. You gave her a chance. You gave everyone a chance."

"Have regrets, have revenge."

"In order to overcome fear, you must become fear, you must bask in the fear of other men and men fear most what they cannot see."

"You may hear me whisper in your ear, but you never saw me."

just some quotes I found meaningful after all these time.

sigh.

FongChuan says that I am too personal on my blog, but well, I'm not considered personal already... whatever I said ain't personal mate... so don't get me wrong...

Haven't blogged a lot these few times...

valentines Day is here.
And as usual I'm puzzling over what to buy and for whom...
zzz...

2009-02-08T12:33:00.003+08:00

Sunday.
rest day for me to recharge my energy levels...
tiring week...

I'm thinking of making this blog open, as in I will move my open blog here... as for the old posts on this blog, I'll leave them here... anyway whatever that has been written is last year's stuff... so anyway now if anyone sees them makes no difference anyway...

so well... I will make this blog open.
Maybe like what Shereen said "private blogs are a waste of time".
Perhaps.
And then, maybe not.
depends on the circumstances.
and now, it is a waste of time...

so officially from today onwards, THIS BLOG IS OPEN.

haha.

" It's not about how much we love each other when we are together. It's about how much we miss each other when we are away from each other."

2009-02-06T21:25:00.003+08:00

Found a cool song here...
It's by Simple Plan, and it's called Save You...
Love the lyrics and the song itself...

Save You(Simple Plan)

Take a breathI pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice
It's drowning into whispers
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know(Oooh)
I wish I could save youI want you to know(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (ohh)

Very nice song...

2009-01-30T10:46:00.001+08:00

shizz...
posting from school...
cos my damn computer crashed before cny...
still not repaired...

will get back asap.
Till then.

and one more thing...
VALENTINES DAY IS HERE SOON!!!!

2009-01-19T17:58:00.002+08:00

haiz...
long time nvr update properly le...

Went to Hwachong today for some history seminar.
This HCI guy was making a fool of himself during the QA part...
lols...

nothing much to write about anyway...

But one good thing this week.
I met En Chyee today!!
long time haven't seen her.
She hasn't changed much.
Still looks the same as I remember her as.
seeing her is like a boost to my mind.
Missed her a bit...

Will be competing in the Chancellor's Shield in February, along with ZhiLiang and Alvin.

2009-01-06T20:32:00.002+08:00

another long day at cca.
Stupid performance for school anniversary coming up again...

sigh..
sometimes songs make you think about your past, and maybe revive some old wounds or happy smiles in your heart.
well this song is a bit of a bittersweet one, since apparently it's about heartbreak and love gone with the wind...

Unbeautiful (Lesley Roy)

Don't hang up, can't we talk
So confused it's like I'm lost
What went wrong, what made you go
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me
I'm unchangable
When did we fall apart
Or did you lie from the start
When you said, it's only you
I was blind, such a fool
Thinking we were unbreakable
[Chorus]
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful
[Verse 2]
I've been told what's done is done
To let it go and carry on
Deep inside I know that's true
I'm stuck in time, stuck on you
When We were still untouchable
[Chorus]
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful
[Bridge]
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Cause I'm only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now
Because we're much better altogether
Can't let go
[Chorus] x2
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful...
Made me unbeautiful

Sigh...
Sometimes a bit of nostalgia is good...
but is this even nostalgia?

2009-01-05T16:33:00.002+08:00

Shizz... 2nd day of formal lessons.
Boring day.
'Nuff said.

Love is hard.
I wonder if 4 years before are worth it for you.
But then, haven't we made a promise to each other?
That I'll wait for you till the time we meet again?
sigh.
The past is sometimes hard to let go.
And even harder to face with an open heart.
Just as I try to face her without my face feeling as if it's on fire,
or me trying to approach her as a friend and not get misunderstood by her friends.

Some random stuff here.
feeling a bit down today.

2008-12-23T16:34:00.002+08:00

Wah piang today scary sia...
went to see doctor in Teban area...
then went JP with mum...
went to eat Burger King... and there the shocks started...

first, I saw yasmine.
WTH?!?! didn't expect to see her lorh...
with a bunch of her dance frens...
my God did I freak out there!!!

That wasn't the worst.
Later I went to Converse on 2nd floor...
and there at the crepe stall...
I SAW EN CHYEE.

MY GOD!!!!!
I totally like freak out there and then...
And back downstairs I even asked yasmine did she see En Chyee at all!!!
MY GOD!!! CAN ANYTHING BE SO... COINCIDENTAL?!?!?!

Maybe some of you ppl know her as the CSS girl I mentioned sometimes...
Or the girl called devious K.

Nvr mind...
The sheer sight of her made me totally go nuts...
Man I was SO NERVOUS!!!
gaah...

Then later, my mum bought me a new Converse schoolbag.
AND THEN I LOST SIGHT OF HER THEN!!!
WLAU!!!

sigh...
Maybe that wasn't my time or her time...

It's hard to see someone you love and miss after so long...
Missed you, Devious K...

sigh again...
I want school to start!!!
I want to see my classmates!!!
I want to prove that I HAVED CHANGED FOR THE BETTER IN THE HOLS!!!
I WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS!!!

sigh...
maybe I'm destined to be a loner after so long...
same as her...

off to read some books at the library...

2008-12-17T18:16:00.004+08:00

ok this post is gonna be damn long and angry and emo and whatever you call it.

I fell sick over the weekend...
wow...
cold and cough...
and stupid cca to bother with...

and talking about cca,
I HAVE TO PERFORM SOME SOPPY LOVE SONG WITH ONLY THE GUYS IN CHOIR DURING FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
AND GUESS WHAT SONG IS IT?
"KISS THE GIRL" IN THE MOVIE "THE LITTLE MERMAID."

wtbfh...
don't feel like performing...
Don't even wanna perform for SYF...
sick of cca already...
seems like our batch of yr 3 seniors in Choir will lose GWH this time with the ~~fucking~~ low standard of choir...
BECAUSE THE ~~FUCKING~~ JUNIORS DON'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN ABOUT CHOIR AND DRAG THOSE WHO WORK HARD LIKE ME DOWN FOR NOTHING!!!!!

And by then when we perform on stage that soppy love song, chances are I'll get catcalled by my classmates...
TOTAL EMBARASSMENT.

wtfh...

And now I find myself smitten by my junior...
wow...

I want to be accepted by the class, so at least I can go out with you guys, at least I have friends who really care for me in my class, at least I am not left alone like an outcast.

I never asked for this...
BUT WOULD THE CLASS UNDERSTAND?
WOULD ANYONE BE WILLING TO BE MY FRIEND?
CAN SOMEONE COME AND ASSURE ME THAT EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT, THAT I AM NOT UNWANTED BY THE CLASS, THAT I HAVE SOME WORTH IN ME FOR THE CLASS, THAT I CAN LEAD THE CLASS, THAT I CAN SURVIVE MY STUDIES IN RV, AND CAN I EVER HAVE A SOULMATE IN SCHOOL?!?!
enough emoing...
god bless me...
and pray hope that some kind soul who reads all this can come an reassure and comfort me...
for I am at my tether's end...

2008-12-15T17:57:00.002+08:00

Ziyi told me to do this quiz she ripped from Chenxi's blog. Haha..

Rules:
1.each player of this game start of with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.

2.people who get tagged have to write 10 thing little known facts.

3.the end you need to choose 10 people to tag and list out their names.

4.No tag back the person who tagged you

Ok so here's the 10 stuff:
1) I have a soft spot for dark chocolate.
2) I wished I had a bathtub at home. (hehe i soaked in a tub for 1 HOUR straight in Penang.
3) I only listen to songs I like, and not because I like the singers.
4) I once scored 6 hockey goals in primary school within 15 minutes. (REALLY!!!)
5) I only use Pilot G2 pens, and any other pens won't do for me.
6) I am very emo at times.
7) I like walking in the rain.
8) I cannot watch horror movies.
9) I almost got to go to Hokkaido next year!!! Until all the trips full house...
10) I am VERY VAIN about my hair.

My name :
A: you like to drink
B: you like people
C: you are really silly
D: you like to eat
E: you like to play with dogs
F: you are dead sexy
G: you never let people tell you what to do
H: you have good personality and good looks
I: easy to be with
J: people adore you
K: you are wild and crazy
L: everyone loves you
M: best kisser ever
N: best GF/BF anyone could ask for
O: easy to fall in love with
P: you are popular with all types of people
Q: you are a tomboy
R: you are loyal to those who love you
S: crazy
T: awesome kisses
U: you really like to chill
V: awesome in bed
W: you are very broad minded
X: you love sports
Y: best GF/BF anyone could ask for
Z: always ready

Ok so here's my name:

W: You are very broad-minded. (wow... but I dunno where am I broad minded... ahah...)

O: Easy to fall in love with. ( YOU KIDDING?!?! HELL MAN I JUST GOT REJECTED BY THE FIRST GIRL I EVER LOVED IN RV AND YOU SAY THAT?!?!)

N:You are the best GF/BF anyone can ask for. ( True... in my thinking that is... since I am not a Romeo like so many guys now...)

G:You never let people tell you what to do. ( true again.)

M: Best kisser ever. ( er... this one I dunno... but hopefully yeah... hehe...)

I: Easy to be with. ( well if you know me good enough it's actually true!)

N: Best GF/BF anyone can ask for. ( wow I have so many n's in my name... just that SOME ppl do not know how to appreciate my love...)

G: You never let ppl tell you what to do. ( yep...)

J: People adore you. (MY ASS LARH!!! IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN I AM SHAOWEI AND GET A WHOLE FLOCK OF SOPPY LOVESICK GIRLS FAWNING AROUND HIM!!! TAKE THAT!!!)

U: You really like to chill. (er... chill wad? My socks?)

N: best GF/BF anyone can ask for. ( thanks... but who'd appreciate it? Not MISS _______.)

Done again...

Ok ppl to tag:

Victoria

Shereen

Jiarong

Alvin

er... dunno who else leh...

Nvr mind larh... heck care if it's too little...

*coughcoughsneezewheeze*

Sick with the flu...

oww...

2008-12-02T19:12:00.004+08:00

gaah...
stupid kerosene...

went to soak firewood in school for choir camp...
smelly kerosene...
~~and dunno who said that he brought THREE LIGHTERS there...~~
haha...

CP is still on next year.
So, by then, let's call a showdown.

~~Nervous?~~
~~Not really.~~
~~Angry?~~
~~A bit.~~
vengeful?
A LOT.

crackkkkkzzzzzzz.......
give 'em hell boys.

2008-11-28T15:59:00.003+08:00

Year 4's a comin'.
And this past three years have been a rough one for me both physically and emotionally and mentally.
Suddenly find myself in a very reflective mood for these past few years.

Year 1, I was just a greenhorn fresh out of primary school, living in a world where I play back hand deals, play class politics, and just finding my identity.
some of you may still remember that Madagascar thingy that I pulled off almost singlehandedly at the yr 1 orientation night.
Forgot the other classes' acts.
but then that was maybe the last time I was a childish person who knew nothing of the world though he thought he did.

1/2K showed me the dark side of the world.
Where you were a nobody, a mere statistic only for ceremonial purpose.
MY closest chances at power was at the beginning of that year.
And perhaps the only one that could have happened.

Enemies abound.
repeated visits to Mrs Look and the counsellor came about.
I got labelled as a mentally instable person, made to go to CGC for treatment, one that ahs traumatised me till now.

Trouble continued into Yr 2.
anger and animosity bred between the class and me till breaking point.
Then came my one and only coup on the class.
An act of ~~revenge and personal~~ vengeance to the ones who hurt me the most.
And that effectively secured me a peaceful 2 months in yr 2.
One that ironically broke my resolve to transfer to Commonwealth Secondary.

Year 3 came as a new promise for me.
A new start for me in a new class.
Met him for the first time.
a person that would become my hated enemy now.
but ironically, then he was one of my best pals.

Tried to run another challenge for chairperson again.
failed when the teachers thwarted it by appointing the two CPS.

One year of emotional turbulence.
Where I found out just how weak and fragile my heart was.
A year where I found my commitment to her tested by someone else in my school.

I've always avoided scandals from yr 1.
Since i considered my heart reserved for that someone in CSS.
until she came along.

The past half a year had been hell for my emotional soul.
I've sworn my vengeance on two of my classmates.
One who had been a friend before.
Another who thought he was Jay Chou.

My heart was ravaged by the firestorm and hell that I went through to get her heart.
Instead, now I think she hates me.
Even though i really seek closure from her,
but somehow i still cannot forget and forgive her coldheartness in rejecting me.
Now i find myself cut loose from both shores.
And feeling a funny sense of sorrow and vengeance towards the person I still love.
I feel like Bond losing Vesper Lynd.

People keep saying that I am a brat, detached from reality and living in a fictional world where i am always right.
People say that I'm bossy.
People say I'm hypocritical.
People say that I'm rude and coldmannered.
But I never was like that.
Only the storms of time made me like this.
An angered and inconsolable soul who feels mistreated by the world.
I do not deny my mistakes.
i am still learning to understand,
something she said I could never do.
But I will prove her wrong.
I want to exact revenge on the persons who hurt me the most.
I want to earn her trust and love again.
I want the power and prestige that had always eluded me.

But at what cost?
I wonder if I can sustain myself next year again.
Somehow I miss the class now.
But somehow I still cannot find courage to face the class and her again.
I don't know why, but there is always this incomprehensible feeling in me.

I find myself being too sentimental for my comfort as well as others' comfort.
The more I want to be coldblooded and detach myself from the class,
I find myself holding onto the class and a lost love still.
I hate being a two-timer,
yet somehow I am becoming one.

These years I've grown a lot.
I've become harsher like the cold wintry wind.
I've become more motivated by a cause and sometimes vengeance.
I've taken a lot of cold shoulders from the class.
But then, I have learnt from my mistakes.
I have learnt to listen, though I find myself not listening enough.
I have to learnt to respect others, though I am still motivated by revenge and hatred sometimes.

Most of all, I learnt that I am a mortal like everyone, ~~and not some messianic presence or kingmaker.~~
And I faced my biggest challenge yet.
One that tested my will, my heart and my conscience.

I missed talking to you as a friend.
Though you said that some things that I do make you able to talk to me,
but i feel I've not done enough.
Perhaps my actions now are not enough to absolve my previous sins to you.
But I will try my best.

Going into year 4, I still don't know who I really am.
Or what is the dearest to me now.
Or what should I do to be with the class again.
But I guess that these will straighten out by themselves by then.
And somehow, till the end of all things,
I can finally be the person I always wanted to be,
and face everyone with a clear conscience.

And to someone:

"You have no idea how hard you hurt me, but I won't dwell on the past. I can and will forgive you, and hope to start anew. But what are the chances of you accepting me? I put it at 10%, but someone else thinks it's 20%. Life is like a gamble. Doesn't matter whether you win or lose yet, but as long as you still have the stakes, you will still have a chance. I hope I have some stakes left, and hopefully I'll earn your trust and love again."

2008-11-26T15:12:00.000+08:00

2008-11-24T11:38:00.002+08:00

Holiday homeworks are a nightmare invented by some goddamn teacher.
NVr mind, I think i better stop moaning and glowering over such crap and just get on with life.

Bought a Chinook yesterday at Tom&Stephanie's over at West Mall. Thought i saw some ppl there, but well, quite deserted there..
Nothing much to blog about, and this damn blog is damn cold...
so pls tag. Thanks a lot buds.

"Our destinies will always be entwined, but never joined. I am not trying to earn your forgiveness for all these times, but only to absolve my personal sins to you before."

2008-11-22T11:08:00.003+08:00

sigh...
dammit I am like in such a cranky mood now.
I don't know if I'm paranoid,
or even whether I am crazy or just plain left out of the world.

~~Hell man I said in the previous post that you exclaimed when you saw me, then you come on msn just to jab me!~~
~~say what you got freaked out by me.~~
~~WTH larh.~~
~~AM I THAT SCARY? NO CAN!!!~~
~~WALAU!!!!~~
~~WITH THAT DAO ATTITUDE OF YOURS, AND YOU STILL LAMENT IN YOUR BLOG THAT YOU ARE VERY ABD AT KEEPING FRIENDS, OR SOMETHING ALONG THAT LINE.~~
~~HELL MAN MUST YOU ALWAYS TREAT ME WITH SUCH ATTITUDE?!~~

~~WTBH...~~
~~GO BLEED YOURSELF DRY girl...~~
~~grrrrr....~~

sometimes I wonder if all your actions now are just you taking revenge on me for what I did to you last time.
Now, I don't even know whether you are on my side or on the class' side.

I CAN'T SEE THE ENEMY, I CAN'T SEE WHO'S WITH ME, I CAN'T SEE WHO'S BLOODY BLEEDING HELL AGAINST ME WITH THOSE TWO JOKERS.
YEAH RIGHT, THEY'RE JOKERS ALRIGHT.
DAMMIT GO TO HELL MAN.
MUST IT BE SUCH A TORMENTOUS PRESENCE IN CLASS FOR ME?!?!
AM I THAT SCARY LIKE FRANKENSTEIN?!?!
AM I REALLY AS BAD AS YOU BLOODY SONOFA*****ES MAKE ME OUT TO BE?!?!
AM I NOT SANE AND HUMAN LIKE ALL OF YOU?!?!
AM I NOT HAVING THE SAME DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS AS ALL OF YOU???!
AM I THE SOCIAL PARIAH THAT THE CLASS LOVES TO TAKE OUT FRUSTRATION ON?!?!
DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

right now I feel a rage, a wild boiling rage coming out from deep inside me, threatening to blow me apart.
A requiem plays over and over again in my head, as if to remind me of my own mortality.
That I am not invincible to myself.
Right now I feel my inner soul sucked dry by all this mindbattling and anger and angst and sorrow and rage that the class has inflicted on me.

At this rate, I won't be surprised to know that I may most likely collapse suddenly during PE and be in a coma for ten days in ICU.

By then, your DEAR FUCKING CHAIRPERSON AND THE SELF-STYLED BIMBO SINGER IN CLASS CAN LEAD ALL OF YOU BASTARDS IN SINGING HALLELUJAH AND BREAKING OUT VINTAGE CHAMPAGNE TO CELEBRATE MY DEMISE.
ALL OF YOU ARE HOPING FOR THAT. FOR ME TO DISAPPEAR, FOR ME TO VANISH, FOR ME TO BE WIPED OFF THIS FACE OF THE EARTH.
AND DON'T DENY IT.

I am blinded by my own mortality, my own fears, my own ambitions that I may never achieve, and I cannot tell who is my friend or my foe. I am surrounded by a forest of gray faces who tell everything but the truth to me, and even the people I hold dear to me in class may not be the angels they seem to be.
Life is a torturous one for me. I am just a normal soul hoping for friendship, hoping for honour and glamour, hoping for love, and hoping for my place in the sun. At least I don't lie to my own conscience like so many of you do.
IS A LITTLE ACCEPTANCE TOO MUCH TO ASK FROM SONOFA*****ES LIKE YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?

A requiem of my destiny plays in my head,
The last act in a tormented life of a person never understood by people who accuse ohters of not understanding them.
This may be my last battle for my honour and glory,
I don't even know who's with me, whether they are with me, whether she is with me,
and I don't even know if I can emerge from the flames alive.
I may as well be signing my own death warrant,
and dive headlong into the flames of Hell to do battle with the demons in the class led by the serpent and the Devil.
If I die, I may as well die fighting on my own terms,
and if I go down, I will bring them down with me.

I have no soul and heart left,
since both of them were betrayed by the person I gave my heart to.
My purpose is driven by the rage and sorrow she inflicted on me,
but to the end, I will still hold her close to me,
and return as a silent sentinel to keep watch over her,
till the hands of Destiny takes me.

2008-11-20T17:22:00.002+08:00

Busy week.
CCA.
Homework.
Chem tuition in school.
And a niggling tightness in my chest that just won't go away.

But I'm not a negative person.
Only circumstances can make me so.
And the holidays don't count.

Went for chem tuition a few days ago.
Bumped into some old faces.
When I walked down the entrance from the main gate,
I nearly walked into a shooting alley.

"Omygawd, it's MingJun!!"
yeahyeah, I could hear you from a mile away with that exclamation.
You know it.
guess old things die hard.
and that maybe that response was just your way of showing your forgiveness to me, since I doubt that you had exclaimed so loudly for quite a while.

Gd luck for your shooting competition.
Just don't put your M-16 on full auto burst.
ahha.

CCA starting to go into full swing already.
So-called preparing for next year's SYF.
Like I care.
since I never participated in last few SYF due to my voice.
Who says that people in choir must have voices that last for a hundred years?
I'll be lucky if mine can last for 10 years.

Mr Lee told me this in school.
"Don't push yourself too hard over the CP thing. you're stressing yourself out."
And some ppl have expressed their discomfort regarding the politicking in class between me and Yuhao.
I do understand that, and i do hope to end this battle as soon as I can.

Will be changing my online name soon. Not SA or T.H.H, but Requiem this time.

requiem of my destiny,
rising from the flames of destiny and fate.
calling for one final last cause,
and reaffirming an old alliance with someone I promised.

2008-11-18T21:04:00.000+08:00

2008-11-15T15:21:00.002+08:00

Bought my new crumpler bag.
Super happy sia..
Most of the stuff is at my open blog, cos this post I think I want it to be a bit more personal to someone.

You know, there comes a time where I can think of you and not feel heartbroken and angry at you.
When I can finally accept the simple stark facts that I could never have even thought of 3 months back.
But this time has finally come.

You know, sometimes I look back to the past and I realise how naive and blinded I really was to you.
And that your reactions then were perfectly normal.
It was me having the faults, not you.
I pressed things too hard, and you cracked.
I admit now that yes, I am at fault.
I never really thought about my actions affecting you although my crazed senses told me that I had.
I come to realise that I could never be with you, that you would never reciprocate my feelings for you.
And I accept it quietly and with dignity.
Because of my actions, our position with each other became untenable.
I alienated you.
I made you feel lousy.
I made you feel angry and upset at the whole fiasco that ensued after the whole incident.

People say that I am not a person given to repent for any of my mistakes.
People say that I'm hotheaded.
People say that I am unreasonable.
People say that I am thickskinned and a total bastard to the class.
But I am not like that to you.
Simply because I care about what you say about me much much more than anyone in the class.
The class didn't realise that you were the only person who had a strong enough hold on me to rein me in during those chaotic times when I was on the verge of going rogue.
You still are the only person who can hold me back.
I admit it without shame.
Because at least I knew that you would still be the barrier between me being sane in mind and me going crazy.
At least you were truthful and sincere in whatever you said, even if they hurt me.
And you criticised me without making me feel angry and bad.
Maybe you were the only reason why I had at least changed in class, regardless of how much I've changed.

You are a delightful person to talk with and be a friend.
I can tell that anyone with your trust will go to their grave with your trust, so long as they don't betray you.
I don't know how to approach you and try to be your friend.
I wish I knew, and I wish I could.
But then, the biggest barrier is you and your friends' reaction to me now.
I don't know when will gain your trust again.
But I will try my best, and time is the only thing I can ask from you.

I look back on the past between us as a phantom haunting my lonely nights.
But now, I've finally exorcised it.
But I don't know if your distrust and hatred of me will ever be exorcised in the same way as mine did.
I miss talking to you as a friend, even as a classmate.
Will you be kind enough to accept my repentance here?
And perhaps, we may still meet in the sunset and talk to each other like old friends,
As if nothing ever happened before between us.

These are true words from my deepest corners of me.
Hope you will see this, and hope you will reply.
God bless you in the future.
And always know one thing:

You don't need to apologise for everything, 'cos you are not wrong in any case.
And always live with the knowledge that I will always stand with you through thick and thin.

To Shereen.

2008-11-12T15:26:00.002+08:00

Posting from the NLB library.
scrapped the class outing.

To make things clear:

1) I AM NOT TAKING OVER YUHAO'S POSITION AS CHAIRPERSON BY HELPING OUT FARRAH PASS DOWN THE MESSAGE TO GET YOU PEOPLE ONLINE. SO PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU PEOPLE SAY, BECAUSE I DO NOT TAKE LIGHTLY OF SUCH ACCUSATIONS. IF I WANT TO BE CHAIRPERSON, I MIGHT AS WELLRUN FOR IT OPENLY NEXT YEAR.

2) I NEVER HAD ANY INTENTIONS OF GATECRASHING THE CIP AT CHOA CHU KANG. SO DO NOT ACCUSE ME OF GATECRASHING. AND IN THE END, I STILL DIDN'T GO SINCE THERE WAS SOME ADMIN ERROR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

3)YUHAO YOU BETTER TONE DOWN YOUR RHETORIC, ESPECIALLY SENDING ME HATE SMSES AND HATE MAIL. I DON'T CARE A HELL ABOUT YOU SPEAKING FOR THE CLASS OR ANY SUCH BULLSHIT. IF THE CLASS HAS ANY PROBLEM WITH ME, I SUGGEST THAT YOU LOOK FOR ME PERSONALLY.

whooh... done.

2008-11-11T11:19:00.002+08:00

class outing is in the works...
unless something crops up, should work out fine..
running the show (sorta) with Farrah now that Yuhao all but vanished from the show.
Time to flex some muscle.

And she vanished off my blogging radar recently.
Apparently vanished when I wasn't online.
Deleted her blog.
Nice one I must say.
Though I must say she made my skills at tracking much better..

BUT i am not a stalker.

So YOU PPL don't accuse me of stalking.

2008-11-10T11:51:00.002+08:00

First Monday of the hols.
My gad, I should have gone to the 3H class cip on Sunday larh...
So damn fun...
And I nearly gatecrashed it last-minute...
UNTIL Mr Lee came up with a problem in admin.

So, poof goes my biggest-coup-gatecrashing-ever-pulled-off..
Gaah....

Went to watch Quantum of Solace yesterday.
Bond is so damn slick in it.
The Bond girl (some Olga dunnowhatishername) was a bit too rough though.
Like all her purpose is driven by revenge.
And rage.

I'm missing you again.
God knows when can we see each other again.
To see you smile at me.

2008-11-09T21:32:00.001+08:00

watched Quantum of Solace today.
Loved it.

Maybe there's a hidden message in it for me to see.

"Forgive her. Forgive yourself."

But can I do that?

2008-11-08T11:22:00.002+08:00

First weekend of holidays.
Never slept so well for quite some time already.

But I had a funny dream last night, which left me a bit perplexed and spooked.

I found myself at a beach during the evening.
Then looking out to sea, I saw her sillhouette quietly looking out as well, contrasted by the setting sun.
I didn't dare go and say hi to her, so I just stood there looking.
Then I saw a guy walk up to her.
They embraced and kissed, then held hands and walked off. While I was standing there stunned.

Then I woke up.
And I felt like a part of me went empty and collapsed into dust.

Call me paranoid or egoistic or plain daydreaming, but that dream made me lose sleep for quite a bit.
I am always fearful about any guy like HIM around me or any girls, especially the ones I have a crush on.
Not that the girls are my steads.
But the sneaky unsettling feeling that some guy with a personality more magnetic than mine is around them.
Even after so long, she still appears in my dreams.
Though most of them I can't remember now.
And sometimes when I wake up, I find my pillow wet from my tears.
Even I don't know why or when I cried.

Been listening to S Club 7.
Suddenly their songs are my favourites now.
Especially "Never Had a dream Come True".

Maybe I'm daydreaming.

But I'm yearning to be with you again, even if it's only for the last time.
To see your face, see you smile, to hear you call my name.
And especially, for me to tell you that I will always love you.
No matter where you will be on this planet.
I will still be with you, looking over you as your guardian.

Sometimes it's hard to forget and forgive.
I have been hurt by you before, but I never regretted loving you.
Even after so long, I still want to be with you.
To be your friend and confidant.
To love you for eternity.

Guess I'm really daydreaming about love again.
But around you, you make me feel inferior around you with girls.

Sometimes I wish you would just disappear from my sight.
So I at least have a fighting chance at love.

2008-11-07T12:38:00.002+08:00

Sigh...
Last day of school...
Must wit till next year to see all of my classmates again...
somehow i miss all fo you even though I may not be friends with you ppl.
sigh again.
Life is hard.

Passed my GPA by so much as a squeak..
and my physics just saved in the death...
and maths too...
wooh... what an escape...

Wanted to say goodbye to you today, but most of the time you were occupied.
Saw 2 of your friends at Ikea today. Got funny stares from them.

More random words..
stupid Chinese holiday assignments...
well at least they can keep me occupied with some constructive work instead f going on msn and youtube every single day for 6 hours at a stretch...
Will post again later in the day...

And ppl, my blog is a bit cold...
so can you all comment? Ask me stuff, or just like talk a bit..
yeah thanks a lot.
Bye.
And Farrah gimme your quiz on your blog...
thanks.

2008-11-06T18:47:00.002+08:00

Learning symposium...
watched some dubious movie about some painted skin or something spooky like that...
scared Claudia to hell when I appeared as a grinning face behind her on the visualiser...
My God, did she scream!!!
haha.

Last day of school tomorrow.
Will miss it.
But then, there's still next year to look forward to.

Plus, this long break may be able to make me come to terms with soem painful things for me.
Allows me time to forget or forgive.
So yeah, next year I'll be more refreshed, and clear in mind and soul.

And my CP ambitions aren't over yet.
No way, not by a long stretch.

Just to say here that I'll never forget you.
I'll go throught the gates of hell and back to see you again.
but will you wait for me?

Some random words again.

And woohoo QoS is out! I'm going to watch it this weekend..

Enjoy your last day of school tmr!

2008-11-05T18:17:00.001+08:00

Apparently I am so bored that I decided to create my open blog.
Maybe I got some inspiration from some people, so why not?

Here's the URL.

www.a-silent-sentinel-looking-over-you.blogspot.com

Happy looking! :)

2008-11-05T16:54:00.002+08:00

Another gloomy rainy day again.
Well, but that didn't really dampen my mood much.

Still have a bit of emo-ness from yesterday.
Well, guess keeping me occupied with books and music can keep me from daydreaming about her again and falling into a self-inflicted depression.

Posting lyrics again.
This time I'll let my lyrics do the talking for myself on some issues.
Best to keep silent myself.

Lips of an Angel (Hinder)

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying?
Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why you calling me so late?

sigh. What a beautiful song.
Guess it's the best that I can listen to now then.

Sometimes things aren't what we expected.
But then, we learn to take it in our stride.
But what if you loved someone but couldn't do anything about it?
you learn to live with the regret, but then, you may not live to let go of her.

Some people say that "The debt that all men pay is death." I say that death is not the only thing. Another debt that you may never be able to survive paying is love. Trust me. It's true.

Going off to read and play my U1PE piano.
Long time never play piano.
Miss the sound of the piano keys.

Have a good rest, relax, recharge, and remember,

"There's someone looking over you as your guardian somewhere. He/she may be close or far away from you, but he/she'll be there for you. Cherish it."

2008-11-04T17:35:00.002+08:00

Today's gloomy weather reflects my day perfectly.
Sometimes days like these really make me go into an emo mood.

I never will understand why am I so sentimental about things that I can never change , or for the matter, even achieve.
I always thought that I could detach myself from feeling for someone easily.
That I was not a playboy flirt.
That I would stay true to my feelings.
But all that now has been broken like the dark shadow of the night falling away under the light of day.
I thought I had managed to forever forget her.
To give up on her.
But I failed time and time again.
Every time I see her smile, I fell under her spell again.
she seemed so far, yet had such a magnetic influence on me.
The past troubles haven't managed to make me give up totally.
some part of me wants to give up, yet my conscience and my heart tells me not to.

And now, I face another girl again.
I could never expect myself to still fall for someone in my present state of mind.
but the unfortunate thing was: I still fell for her.
She attracted me in ways I could never fathom,
her smile was equally alluring, yet she seemed ... more ... refined and gentle.
My confused and drugged soul fell for the same mistake again.
And I find myself in love with her and her.
It pains my heart to do so,
as somehow I have turned into the very person I had never wanted to be.
Yet this happened.
Why??!!

I may never know or be able to find a way out of this maze,
but my heart pines for someone's love.
I wish to find myself untied from all my past burdens,
but I don't have a light at the end of the road to lead me.
I don't want to be accused of being a flirt,
but I simply cannot let go from these two romances.
I'm torn between my conscience and my heart and my head.
Perhaps it is better not to have any of these.
But then, I'm not a robot.

Perhaps like what my friend said,
"Some things are not meant for you to understand, and you should not try to understand."

Just some random thoughts flooding through my head now.
Hope anybody reading this is not offended. especially someone I obliquely referred to.
'Cause I sometimes really need to pour my feelings out, and there's nobody I can tell it to, not even my parents.
Sigh.
Life is hard.
Love is even harder.

falling sick soon, well at least I may not need to go for CCA this friday.
Have a bit of money on my hands, so well maybe I'll try to spend it productively.

"Only time can tell how much I want to feel for both of you. I'm such a coward for not daring to say all this personally, but I cannot bring myself to say it. Time will judge for me. But for now, I'm just a person in body but not in soul.
God knows how am I going to endure this pain."

2008-11-03T17:49:00.002+08:00

I should have listened.
I should have not been so stupid.
Even when I cannot forget the past romance,
I am struck by another love that wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't that I am hated by her,
just that I had arrived a little too late.
I never thought that I could fall in love again,
but unfortunately, Fate brought me another blow.

Maybe I should all but give up,
and cry my heart out for 2 days and nights.
But my heart is a cold broken mirror,
and my soul all but shattered.

Perhaps there is a silver lining in all these times,
and perhaps I can still be friends with her.
But for how long will my heart take to heal again,
Only time can tell how much I want to feel for her.

2008-11-03T10:23:00.002+08:00

Long weekend..
went to run powerboat at West Coast Park yesterday...
woohoo...
then watched National Treasure..
even more WOOHOO.....
haha...

still haven't finished zuowen yet..
later pia already...
then go see doctor to wash my ear..
ick..

Sometimes it's hard to love someone without being able to tell her.
There are so many old rusted chains bound to your words.
Well maybe it's best to leave my feelings untouched,
and save them for another day.

emo abt love le...
stun...
I am like SO RANDOM...
but sometimes, you feel damn guilty to fall for another girl again after the last meeting with her.
sigh... I am starting to go loopy now...
SOMEONE GIMME SOME ASPIRIN!!!!!

By god,
I.
really.
need.
a.
break.
from.
thinking.
about.
her.
again.

2008-11-01T14:59:00.003+08:00

sian la...
CCA today in the morning... and it must rain like hell...
hell man I won't mind if it rained on any day at school but TODAY?!?!?! walau damn dampener lah...
CCA bores...

heard from vinnyboy(haha that's my nick for you.) that Yuhao was spoken to by either Mr Lee or Mr Lim, and was told that I will assume CP duties for Tues and Wed. don't know if it's true or not , but so far as I can see, it really appears that apparently, my chance has come.

And it may be my one and only chance, so guess I better don't bust up.
And believe me, Hell will freeze over when i am CP.

Some ppl say that I will still be the same "brat" as before if I am CP, but to reply, I'll modify a movie quote from the movie "W".

"are you trying to be a Kennedy?! You're a Bush. Act like one."

change "Kennedy" and "Bush" to "MJ the hated ostracised ticking atomic bomb" and "MJ the Chairperson" respectively.

so you'll get:

"Are you trying to be MJ the hated ostracised ticking atomic bomb?! You're MJ the Chairperson. Act like one."

And to make a point clear,

i AM NOT TRYING TO BE EDWARD CULLEN.

and I am seriously puzzled by this seemingly "coded" message that Mr Zong typed on his MSN name.

"A True Leader Rules Thyself By Head, Lead Thy People By Heart. A Headless Horseman is, but headless and heartless."

since i am the only person ever to use the name The Headless Horseman, I wonder if he's trying to imply something to me? like I cannot be CP? dunno...

My time will come, and when it comes, I will rise to my position as I need to be, and be the person that I and the class want to see.

2008-10-31T20:13:00.003+08:00

Wake Me Up Inside (Evanescence fet.Linkin Park)

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul
my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)Wake me up inside
(Save me)Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)Before I come undone
(Save me)Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)Wake me up inside
(Save me)call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)before I come undone
(Save me)Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
without your love
darling only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)Wake me up inside
(Save me)Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)Before I come undone
(Save me)Save me from the nothing I've become
(Bring me to life)I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

Here's the link to the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrH3knaiqrI

2008-10-31T16:41:00.002+08:00

SPORTS DAY TODAY!!!!!

haha... was out in the sun like mad... until my head got so hot that i joked that I can fry an egg on top of it... then I was the flag bearer for Gryphon... srsly they should start changing and remaking their props and the mascot costume... damn tattered and old lah...

I waved to you today when i saw you, but why didn't you reply? I heard from your cca mates that you got the impression that i wanted to jio you... but seriously i have no such intentions... really i just treat you as a friend... nothing more... though i do admit that i was indeed smitten by you...

just some random thoughts in my head... you don't need to know what and who am i talking about...

listening to Evanescence's song Wake Me Up Inside... loved it since i heard it on a car commercial a long time ago...it's haunting...

and finally... WOOHOO I CAN BUY MY CRUMPLER BAG AND W890 WALKMAN PHONE!!!!!

haha...

2008-10-30T16:26:00.002+08:00

sian...
now that eoys are over, it seems that all our minds are still running overtime and cannot stop. At least mine cannot stop yet...
which means that it leaves me with a 55% chance of going crazy within these few weeks...

starting to really get into the thick of stuff here with this CP thingy...
got a discomforting thought last night, sparked off by my recent msn convo with some of you reading this blog.

"what if my ambition and rush to be chairperson now is not fuelled by my ambition but by revenge against someone? what if I really be chairperson, would the world and the class see me as a person taking out another person simply because I have a feud with him?"

sigh... sometimes it's confusing. you think you are doing all this for everyone's good in the future in 3H, but when the road wears long, then thoughts like this start creeping in to make you question yourself. I know that my ambition has existed long before any feud, but when such thoughts come to me, i still don't know what to make of it.

I don't want to be remembered as the person who toppled someone in a spectacular coup d'etat simply for personal lust for power and revenge for some blood feud that is wearing everyone thin. I just want to do my part for the class, and as far as I can see, I want to take a more decisive role in the class. Not for personal gain though. I work for the class, not against it.

I don't know if you received my email by now, but yeah, your opinion to me is very precious. 'Cos now i have the impression that you are one of the few people i can trust to some degree. So unwittingly you become a very valuable asset to the class and me, since it seems that few people can think level-headed like you and somehow only you can hold me in check during the wildest times when the whole world seemed to be at war with me. seriously I must thank you personally, but i don't dare do anything now, since i cannot tell if time has washed the previous times of conflict and embarrasment and misunderstandings between us away. I can now just only hope that time will come.

ok enough of long rambling stuff..
for the people reading this blog, I want to ask you all some questions.

Would you support me if I ran for chairperson next year? Yes, no or neutral? THINK CAREFULLY and answer truthfully. Explain logically. relax, I won't go ballistic.

If I have already asked you this question above, just ignore it. For the rest, comment in this post. Thanks for all your advice. These are trying times for me. Thanks buds. :))

2008-10-29T20:40:00.002+08:00

back posting again after a long time...
comparatively...haha..
now exams over there's pretty much nothing but slacking now...
though i would start on my Chinese hol homework asap to burn off all one shot..
waiting for Quantum of Solace to open on Nov 5..
James Bond is nice...
haha..

sorry last post a bit emo le...
but srsly I am cracking at the seams...

Though there was quite a debacle today in school...
sorry that I scared you ppl off with my reaction..
and sorry to Mr Zong too...

but like what i told Farrah later,

"I fight in every land and clime, for every cause but my own."

perhaps that's what I really want to say.

sometimes it's not that we have nothing to say and nothing in common. We just choose to be blinded by our misguided hatred of each other and hide from the truth ourselves. Because it is too painful for us to admit the truth and face it. I want to, but i cannot do anything unless you all do so as well.

"I want to know the reason why. But then, I am afraid to know the answer."

---A quote from someone.

2008-10-28T20:54:00.002+08:00

back again...
sigh...
sometimes i find myself crying and laughing and asking myself these stupid questions.

"Why the hell must you be so hated?"
"Why the hell must you be so ambitious?"
"WHY THE HELL must you fall in love?!"
"Why do you make your life so difficult?"
"Why must you be so antagonistic to some people? For what?!"
"I DON'T WANT A COLD WAR, SO WHY MUST I BECOME THE PERSON I HATE THE MOST?!?!?!!"

sigh...
maybe I emo le...
thinking about being Chairperson nxt year.
recently my mind has gone a bit haywire..
the past ghosts of my past coming back to haunt me time and time again.
Like a broken record they play over and over again.
I can never seem to be able to get over the trauma that I inflicted on myself unwittingly.
Especially that l'affaire.
and that guy.
and that situation.

god hell I wish i had aspirin now.
sometimes I just want to scream CAN SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME AND GET IT OVER WITH?!?!?!
why must i live such a tortured existence on this miserable earth?
Wars everywhere, people waiting to stab you in the back when you don't know it.
And above all, HER.

god hell.

sometimes I really envy you people. you all have friends. you all have value enough for people to care for you. not me. I guess that should everyone be kidnapped then maybe i'll just be hostage for everyone else, since I have nothing holding me back. You all have friends, people who love and care for you. not me.

Shereen, I should assume that you have seen my apology below.

srsly I think we should all talk. not that there is nothing to say, but that everyone is just denial of the truth. We don't dare face each other. we don't dare face the truth. And I am tired. I have not a lot of time left.

CAN I JUST CRY?!?!?!?!!?! DAMMIT WHY MUST I....... WHY MUST THE WORLD......

sobsob........

2008-10-27T21:02:00.000+08:00

I'm Sorry (Buckcherry)

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren’t the same
‘Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.
I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go ’round
And I just wanted to say I’m sorry
This time I think I’m to blame
It’s harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
‘Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die
I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go ’round
And I just wanted to say I’m sorry
Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It’s never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorryI’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go ’round
And I just wanted to say I’m sorry
I’m sorry baby.
I’m sorry baby,
Yeah.I’m sorry

2008-10-27T20:56:00.002+08:00

Executive Order 99836:

STAND DOWN DEFCON status against South Nevada to DEFCON 4. Open negotiations will commence with any parties involved in any recent spats on this diplomatic channel.

Lord Nelson

2008-10-27T20:44:00.002+08:00

This is something I saw on shereen's blog.

hello mingjun,
regarding your recent outburst in your own uh private blog, i have a few clarifications.
NOTE: Please do not get mad. If you're going to get mad, feel free to stop reading. This post is purely to justify myself and i have no intentions of defaming anyone. K thanks.The Blog Post.Shereen I did not change my name. Richardson is just another alibi for me. And don't call me a bleeding liar. I know you want to say the BLOODY word so say it lah! And I daresay that you have another name too.. so don't attack me for going under the name Richardson. Geddit? Anyway I didn't insult anybody what, and so what if i ask about myself? I'd rather know what others think truthfully about me when i ask them than everybody trying to play taichi and clam up. If you people would just say things about me truthfully to me when you know it's me, then what's there for me to ask you under an alibi for?? I'm not an oxymoron, and i definetely treat all of you well, so quit attacking me!!
justifications.1. i dont often use the word "bloody" because it's really crude. using the word "bleeding" is my habit and it doesnt really concern you whether i use "bloody" or "bleeding", because either way, I'm trying to say that you're a liar.
2. quoting from your above uh paragraph, you said "And I daresay that you have another name too.. so don't attack me for going under the name Richardson." and "Richardson is just another alibi for me.". from this i infer that you did use "richardson" as your name. but referring to various tags, you said that you-were-not-mingjun so sorry, may i ask, ISNT THAT LYING!?
3. you say you rather know if people disliked you. however, from my knowledge, i happen to get the impression that you yell or defame those we speak truthfully. i can give one strong example. (:
for example, on one occassion which i'm sure the entire class remembers, yuhao told the teacher you used roughly an hour to complete your entire chinese paper 1. is that not the truth? BY THE WAY, roughly meant that it could be a little before or after an hour so there is no need to get so worked up. instead you called yuhao a "son of a bitch" or from your blog a "towelhead".
another example, is a teacher. even though they've been patiently trying to get as the go-between and explain things to you, not only have you not learnt, instead you openly asked a teacher to go to hell. the proof is below.
-START QUOTE-shit, Mr Lim said that the class treats me well like a classmate. GO HELL THEN!!! everytime I accidentally brush against someone, be it in person on on his/her stuff or EVEN THE TABLE, everyone must mAKE A FRIGGIN' bIG scene out of it! "OH HE'S RADIOACTIVE, HE'S CORROSIVE, HELP HE IS ACIDIC!!! HIS HAND IS DRIPPING HYDROCHLORIC ACID !!! HELP!!! MY STUFF AND THE TABLE IS CORRODING!!! HELP MY HAND AND MY BACK IS CORRODING!!!!!! " -END QUOTE-
many a times even, even though our class decides to BE NICE and try to help you change, you yell at them to "shut up" and "dont talk to you about change". may i remind you that the world is huge, and you're just ONE PERSON (no matter how loud, how strong, how ferocious.) YOU'RE JUST ONE PERSON. and you cant expect the whole world to change because of you. we're HELPING YOU but you saw it as an attack saying "you have had enough of it".
4. from your blog post, you say that you're treating us nice. excuse me, define nice? from the above 3 points, which i'm sure is well supported with examples and elaborations, there is nothing that says we're not nice and you're nice. on the contrary, it proves how you constantly shout and lose your temper at us.
I was once told that it would make a world of difference if the class changes our attitude towards you. and I daresay for all, or at least majority of the class, that WE'RE TRYING. It doesnt happen to be easy you know. Not only are we not appreciated, we get yelled at thanks, very helpful indeed.
SO IN CONCLUSION,I've justified myself.
I'm not about to start a blog attacking whoever situation because I personally think it's extremely childish. So if you want to get all upset and think i'm doing things unfairly, i do welcome you to simply print out my blog post, show it to any teacher or whoever.
If you decide on a mild chance that you're wrong and going to change, we welcome you to post an apology online and we'd gladly try to help you again. although it's going to be even more chaotic and frustrating, we'll try.

reply??

I am sincerely sorry for my recent outburst on this blog if it inflamed any anger and discontent for anybody involved in any of my attacks. I guess this is the best apology I can have now. I admit i have overplayed my hand in many matters and most of the time my anger is misdirected to many innocent people and this made everyone's position untenable. I hope my gentlemanly apology will placate any of you angry now. And believe me I mean what I say. i can choose to ignore all this, but for the sake of everyone and especially myself, I will take this seriously. So Shereen I think I have replied satisfactorily to your comments. Thanks for telling me this on your blog.

MJ.

2008-10-23T19:09:00.002+08:00

dammit...
failed physics...
sigh...
maybe i should drop it after yr 4 and concentrate on history...
maybe even take bio too!
Bio is WAAAYYYYYYY EASIER than physics...
at least for me that is...

posting lyrics again... bored sia...

I Don't Care lyrics
Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let december glow feel flames
Brace myself and let go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends they dont love you
They just love the hotel suites, now
I dont care what you think
As long as its about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
(I saida) I (I) dont (dont)care what you think
As long as its about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
Oh take a chance
Let your body get a tolerance
Im not a chance
Put put a heat wave in your pants
Pull a breath Like another ciggarete
Pawn shop im tradin em (tradin em)
Im the oracal in my chest
Let the guitar scream like a facist
Sweat it out
Shut your mouth
Free love in the streets but,
In the alley and i aint that cheap now,
I dont care what you think
As long as its about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
(I saida) i (I) dont (dont) care what you think
As long as its about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
I saida i dont care justa what you think
As long as it's about me
You saida i dont care justa what you think
As long as it's about me
You saida i dont care (i dont care)
You saida i dont care (i dont care)
Saida i (i) dont (dont) care (care)

2008-10-22T16:48:00.005+08:00

sigh... another long day...
got stupid sore throat le...
Maths failed...
sucks...

But at least one thing is good.
and that is the fact that I settled X.
big time.
man he won't know how the hell he died.
In fact, I think he died already this morning.
want to play dirty? Man you got a lot to learn.

AND JOLENE STOP SPREADING MY INVITE OUT TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!
and SN too.
dammit...
sooner or later this place is gonna get crowded.

"What kind of peace do we seek? Not a pax Americana enforced on the world by American weapons of war... I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men and nations and to hope and to build a better life for their children--not merely peace for Americans but peace for all men and women---not merely peace for our time but peace for all time."

--John F.Kennedy

"War battered dogs are we, gnawing on a naked bone, fighting in every land and clime, for every cause but our own."

--Irish verse

"The whole history of the world is summed up in the fact that, when nations are strong, they are not always just, and, when they wish to be just, they are often no longer strong... Let us have this blessed union of power and justice."

--W. Churchill

2008-10-21T18:48:00.002+08:00

You would always have me w you.
You would always have me standing at your side.
You would always have me loving you manymany.
You would always have me.
Cheers.
Because that B is not worthy enough for you.

found this on QW's blog. I can guess what it means. And I can guess who's it titled to. And I can guess who is that B she referred to.

Anyway, there's a backstabber in 3H. in fact, a lot of them. Well, maybe not backstabbers. Maybe they're just blind murderers.

To give them something to think about:

I guess dead people don't know what vengeance is.

--James bond, Quantum of Solace

2008-10-20T19:36:00.002+08:00

sigh... class lunch today..
wasn't much lah, just going to a Japanese restaurant with mr Zong and gf pal.
Nearly ripped one of my toenail off yesterday, so was still a bit in pain when walking..
was the FIRST to reach Cathay...
nice place I must say...
UNTIL some apprentice of Sherlock Holmes started to "stalk" me from the above levels.
Apparently that girl isn't that good too, cos I heard them laugh so damn loudly.
Went playing a bit of hide-and-seek...
then saw SW and Co.

You know, I srsly CANNOT TAHAN that goddamn SW.
Big fake diamond earstud.
girly shirt.
Sweet tongue lulling all the girls like bees to honey..
god I can't stand him.

well, back to the lunch.
Went in first, then SW must sour it for me by ganging all the guys to sit at the opposite end of the table to ostracise me.
In the end the guys sat with me.
Food was ok..
liked the salmon roe sushi.
Gunned down 2 mugs of coke.
Was the only person wearing the class tee.
SO MUCH FOR YUHAO TO TELL EVERYONE TO WEAR CLASS TEE..

then everyone was making helluva racket there taking a field day shooting photos.
QW was squealing like a stuck pig in the butcher's shop.
VS wasn't much better.
Told her to keep her voice down, and she still retorted "YOUR VOICE ALSO VERY LOUD WHAT, SO WHY TELL ME TO BE QUIET?"
DAMMIT, I HELPFUL TRY TO KEEP YOU ALL QUIET YOU ALL MUST TRY TO OSTRACISE ME.

then SW took the cake..
when SN was taking some shots, he must go up and try to cosy up with, apparently in front of me. Or somehow he didn't notice me.
But she did.
Pushed him aside with one hand.
then HE MADE AN ACTION LIKE HE WANTED TO KISS HER ON THE CHEEK.
maybe I saw it wrongly, but anyhow, it looked like it.
Chose NOT to see it. chose to NUMB myself.

guess it was lucky I did.
but one part of my mind wanted to say "GO TO HELL SW YOU GODDAMN SONOFABITCH!!!"

Went outside to cool my senses.
Mu joined me too.
Thanks mate. Regardless of whether you did it on purpose.
Thanks.

Joined in for some group shots. The guys tried to make a joke out of me. haha, YOU ALL DIDN'T SUCCEED SUCKAS!!! HAHA.

Went home at 4.45 pm.
Some others wanted to stay to watch some stupid movie about a bunny girl out from Playboy mansion.
guess they wanted to be that bunny.
Especially SW.

Was sad that someone wasn't there. Supposedly went to tighten her braces. Too bad then. I had wanted to go with her today. So much for wishful thinking.

Was listening to a song by Rihanna. Cried when I listened to it. 'Cos it just reminded me of how scarred and hurt and torn my heart was now. Even after like what? 3 months?

going off. Do tag pls. Thanks ppl. God bless you, especially when you sneeze( FOR VT). HAHA.

2008-10-18T16:03:00.002+08:00

My God I am so evil... ahha....
went surfing the web today...
decided to play detective...
so guess what?
I FOUND IT.
ah now what is that IT eh?
Won't tell.
But it is a blog.
With I suppose a lot of good info in it.

Just that.....
there is one TEENY WEENY prob.
it is private like this blog!
ahha...
so get the invite then.
er... that person won't give it..
so try again!
haha.

Executive Order 99862

A particular source of information has been found pertaining to South Nevada.
The CIA will investigate under codename SPINAKKER.
Defence status still DEFCON 3.
Peace talks being negotiated.

Lord Nelson.

do the same as before for the last exec order.
change the funny name into its 2 first letters.
secret code eh?

man I am evil...

2008-10-18T11:33:00.001+08:00

woohoo...
weekends never felt so good before.
No high-octane mugging, sleep like crazy...
haha.

off to read Devil May Care again.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL QUANTUM OF SOLACE IS OUT IN CINEMAS!!!
ahha..

2008-10-17T21:08:00.001+08:00

someone's a mole here.
spreading my invite around.
I WILL FLUSH HIM OUT.
AND IF ANY OF YOU ARE INVOLVED, I WILL ISSUE A LOCKDOWN.

2008-10-17T19:43:00.001+08:00

got hooked on this song by Rihanna.
Love how it is so haunting with its lyrics and the use of instruments, especially at the start with the violin and piano.

Unfaithful(Rihanna)

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company
Hes more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true
and I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...a murderer
I feel it in the air
as I'm doing my hair
preparing for another day
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
as if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
where I'm about to go
and we know it very well
cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
and it kills him inside
to know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...a murderer
His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do thisAnymore (anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...a murderer (a murderer)
No no no no
Yeah yeah yeah

2008-10-17T15:45:00.002+08:00

back again...
haven't been much in making new poems recently, but I found this very good one by Alfred Hitchcock at Popular.

Ascension

And if I go,
while you're still here.
Know that i live on,
vibrating to a different measure.
Behind a thin veil that you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you mush have faith.
I wait for the time that we can soar again together,
Both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart.
...I will be there.

touching? I think so.

Bought the new 007 novel today. It's called Devil May Care, and I tell you, it is stunning.

well, gotta go read. See you all next time.

haha.

2008-10-17T10:18:00.002+08:00

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!! EOYS OVER!!!!!!!!
don't know if my maths will survive, but yeah, I'm happy the exams are over finally!!! Now time for com fever!!!!
haha.

There's been some frenzied attempts at a peace meeting for the two states in conflict now.
God knows when it will end, but i don't intend to soften my stand yet. As of now, defence status is still DEFCON 3.
And don't think that your blocking of my freedom of speech is going to work. Because just as you have rights to rant, I have the same rights too.
South Xangan is trying to negotiate a bilateral meeting sometime soon. Guess now I can only sit and wait for South Nevada to reply.

god, I hate cold wars.

and my blog is still quite quiet now. Well if you all are reading this you can post comments. i'm not banning all of you. BUT DON"T SEND MY INVITE TO OTHER PPL WITHOUT MY AUTHORISATION. thanks.

zzz.. bye..

2008-10-16T10:31:00.003+08:00

"SORRY I MADE YOU ANGRY
I HAD NO INTENTIONS OF DOING SO.
I'M SO SORRY-.-" as quoted from THAT SOMEONE.

GODDAMN IT!!! ANY GODDAMN BASTARD CAN SAY THIS WITHOUT BATTING AN EYELID. YOU'D SAY THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A BROKEN RECORD, SO WHAT SHOULD I THINK OF YOU?!?! Oh so you had no intentions of making me angry eh?! TRY BEING ADMIRAL YAMAMOTO TELLING THE UNITED STATES THAT"oh sorry I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE WAR WITH YOU SO SORRY" AFTER HE BOMBED PEARL HARBOUR IN AN UNPROVOKED ATTACK!!!!!

goddammit, you're just like the admiral in the History eoys exams poster source. TRYING TO LIE AND FAKE YOUR WAY OUT.

you want to attack me, I say, COME FACE ME HEAD-ON MAN!!! DON'T TRY TO MUDSLING ME IN THE SHADOWS. I'M READY FOR ANY CHALLENGE YOU WANT TO THROW AT ME.

gosh, this world is a crazy place.

AND PLS COMMENT.

2008-10-15T16:05:00.001+08:00

Here's the hottest song in town now.

Love Lockdown lyrics

Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
Im in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, til its over love
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin no no no, no no
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but cant escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else dont have to know
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose
Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I cant keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I cant keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when Im on my own
Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone
How many times did it take til I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to go
No more wastein time, we cant wait for life
which is wastin time, wheres the finish line
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose
Im not lovin you, the way i wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
I thought No one knew, but got love for you
But im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin, keep the lovin goin
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
Am I into you, baby im confused
You choose, you choose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
Way I got to go, I dont need youI been on this road, too many times before
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose